A letter from January 11th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I know I should use this letter to write something nice and motivational, but I'm just not feeling that right now. I'm going to set this to '5 years' so that hopefully I'm not in the same mind set I'm in right now. As of writing this it is 11/01/2021, 19:21. I will write a date and time at the end of this to see how long it takes me to write a letter to myself about my current emotions and how long it takes me to put what I feel into words. At the end I will try to write something about my current personality so I can see how different it is in 5 years time. Before I start spilling out my emotions like spilling water all over the floor, can I just say: You're 17?! How crazy is that to think about? As of writing this I'm only 12, geez... Anyway, today was a rough day, I just wasn't feeling like myself today and I'm not sure why. I mean, I have been changing a lot, mentally, but today was different. I wasn't feeling motivated, in anyway. I even wrote a draft suicide letter, granted it wasn't very thought out and when I do actually write one, I will definitely put more thought into it; write who's getting what, why things are the way they are, and what lead up to it. I think the hardest thing about describing mental states to people these days is, once you convince them that it's not a phase and it is actually something to be taken seriously, you then need to try and put how you feel into words. They say it's easier to write something rather then say it but, it's not for me, you still need to find a series of words that not only makes sense but also describes your emotions perfectly. Also, it isn't always someone in your life who is making you feel the way you do, sometimes it's your own mind. I don't know if you remember this, and if you don't I'm sorry for reminding you, but every time I say 'mum, I don't feel very well' before school (which is more often then I wished it would be), she immediately thinks it's someone at school, when in reality it's everyone but at the same time no one. I'm afraid of people. I'm not afraid of what they can do to me, I'm afraid of what they can think of me. I don't know what else to say about this to be honest. I hate to write this, I'm not sure if you will have any evidence of this other then memories, but I'm self-harming again. This is my third time doing it. If you don't remember: The first time was cutting on my arm (luckily it didn't scar), the second time was constantly scratching the back of my hand (this made it less obvious but was more painful as the pain would linger) and this time I'm cutting again but I'm cutting in the area that my watch covers. I have also started trying to eat less, I've been writing down what I eat everyday (calories and quantities) and I've been charting my weight (morning and night), this is my second time trying to eat less (the first time was a fail). I know I shouldn't be doing this but I don't know how else to solve my problems, everything just looks so dark. Hopefully, I can find someone or something that can help sooner rather then later. I know I said that I wouldn't put anything sappy in this, but it is the next day and I feel a little bit better today. Everything will be okay. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true, things do get better. The rain never lasts forever and on top of that, when the rain finally clears there will be a beautiful rainbow for you to look at and enjoy. Right now, I am a strong believer of 'everything happens for a reason', so I guess all I can say is: Just trust that things will work out, there is light at the end of the tunnel and your fate has been laid out in the way it has been for a reason (cheesy right?) I guess I will tell you about my current personality so you can compare it to yours: My favourite colour is purple, I want to get a pet cat, dog and bird, I'm starting to get into anime (my current fav is 'A Silent Voice', I seriously recommend it), I love drawing and crime documentaries (specifically 'Homicide Hunters'), I am terrified of spiders (to put it lightly), I like astronomy and zodiac signs, I love Thomas Sanders, ImBrandonFarris, Jaiden Animations, Daz Games, Sultan Sketches and FavreMySabre (in an idol-like way) and enjoy writing the lyrics so songs. 12/01/2021, 17:11 -Past Izzy