A letter from January 12th, 2021

Dear Nehir, I have debated for a long time whether I should write this mail in English or Turkish. From where things are going right now I feel like I can express myself better in English. Which seems very weird to me right now. Wow THIS is weird. I dont even know if I should call you maam or not. You must have grown so much. Know that I am proud of you. Perhaps I said that because thats what I want to hear right now. Im very confused about everything. I know that time is my best friend when it comes to stuff like this but it consumes me. Sometimes I can not think. My mind goes blank, foggy almost. It frustrates me so much that I want to punch a wall until my hand bleeds dry. I am the only one who can help me. I really hope this is just a "seasonal" thing that you look back at and laugh. My future also concerns me. I want to do a lot, help a lot. It's scary to tell you my expectations because even though you don't exceed them its okay. But for the sake of my current self I want to tell you what I want to pursue. Music is my way of expressing myself so I hope you achieved something in that department. Theater is also one of my favorite ways of self expression. Now that I think about it, I think I use these things to tell my story because I dont know how to tell it or even who to say it to. 20 year old me is probably dope :) Always be nice to people and don't judge before you think please. Also I hope with every bone in my body that you are still watching anime. I am gonna make a promise right now: I will finish my anime list even if it means that I have to come back from the dead. This is right before the other future mail I sent which should arrive on my birthday this year. (Today is 12 January 2020) It's scary to remember the things I wrote because I know I failed my older self. Even though I feel like I have grown as a person and have created an image for myself, I still feel so lost. I know that there is no need to rush which is very useful to think about. But that's not the only thing that is making me feel empty and sad. My grandma got Covid but she is doing good, at least thats what I heard. It made me think about how much I hate myself for the way I treat my family but I cant to do anything for some dumb reason. I just dont want to be selfish. I would die for everyone but myself which sounds self destructive but thats how I am. I shouldnt have a higher value than the people I love, whether its my family or friends. Maybe I am over thinking it, I truly dont know. Despite all the things I said, there is one thing that I wont and cant forgive you if you fail to achieve. Get out of Turkey. Run away if you have to. If you still are in Turkey and have no plans then shame on you. Find new friends, see new stuff, taste new stuff... Never let this ignorant country define you. Be free. Feel free, at least. I wish the best for you. I truly do. Goodbye