A letter from January 10th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Hey it's me, you in the past, to be exact I'm you five years ago. You are 23 now. Oh my God that's old. I hope when you read this email you smile and think about all the things you have reached since now. Let me ask you a few questions: 1. Are you in a relationship? I really hope so because I think that I'm unlovable hopefully you've conquered the self doubt 2. What are you studying? Is it psychology? Criminology? Or sciencee? 3. How is your relationship with your family? 4. Does Bobble still live ? How is he? 5. Most importantly are you happy? 6. Are you clean ? And if yes for how long ? Maybe now, hopefully, you are in a completely different place than I'm right now. After I asked you all this questions it's time to introduce myself to you. I know that I should have done this in the beginning, but yeah you know... I'm 18, I go by the name I was assigned at birth as well as the name Rain. My pronouns are she/they. My favorite music is by Marina, Halsey and Lorde. My favorite series are Supernatural and I also love Criminal minds. That are the basics now it's time to dive deep into my/ your soul I struggle every day, my whole mind is filled with self destructive thoughts. I feel too much or nothing at all, it's exhausting. No one really cares about me and I'm alone. It seems to me that I'm unable to form any kind of long lasting relationship. Still haunted by my past I'm afraid of commitment and deep down I know I'm unlovable and worthless. I'm living day my day nothing really matters and I'm wasting my life. I shouldn't even be alive,never turned older than sixteen. Lost because I never planned on becoming this old. I don't know if someone will ever read this one. Do you even exist or have you died a long time ago ? If not please don't forget me, you're younger me, that fought so you could live. I did everything for you. For you to live For you to be healthy For you to be happy Every decision you make, remember me. Live the life I couldn't. All the pain I've been through, all the hard work, the losses, don't make them count nothing. I've survived years of suicidal thoughts and plans. Don't make me regret not giving up. I've been through an abusive friendship. Please never let someone hurt you like that. Don't let anyone manipulate you like that. Be aware of man that only want you for your body and treat you like an object. I've battled eating disorders. Don't ever fall back into anorexia nervosa or bulimia. I'm thankful for them because they saved me but they also destroyed me, made me hate myself even more, made me addicted. And I suppose you're still battling a part of yourself that's still in love with Ana. You'll never be completely free of her so be careful when she come again in dark times and whispers to you. The whispering will turn into screams. Deadly screams. I've been close to ***** and I saw all her promises being nothing more than lies. Lies that consumed now almost three years of my life. Lies that destroyed friendships, Lies that destroyed my body. Lies that destroyed my mind. Lies that drove me into madness. Be warned. Almost 150 scares are on your body. Don't hate me for destroying your skin unrepairable. It's the only way I can keep myself sane. I hate myself already enough for doing this to you. Look at them and see what battles you've been through. You might have lost those but I hope you won the war. Don't make all these marks be forgotten by ignoring the pain behind them. It won't be easy being you. I gave my best so you could live. I gave my best so you wouldn't have to deal with Ana. You'll have to learn and do what I can't. Learn to love yourself. Sounds easier than it really is. No one ever really cared about me. I fought alone. I faced my demons without anyone besides me. Please make all this worth it. It gets better. I love you You're past me.