A letter from December 28th, 2020

Dear Future Me, I don't even know where to start. Honestly when I first heard about this site I kind of cringed but here I am. So there's a lot I have to say. So sorry if I skip to different timelines. So I am just lost. I don't really know who I am, my purpose, blah blah blah. I think it all started back to my childhood. Then again I saw this thing somewhere that said that the first few years of our childhood build who we are today. Or something like that. Anyways that would explain a lot and makes a lot of sense to me. So because I'm adopted and I live in a predominantly white neighborhood, I didn't see a lot of POC people growing up. In daycare or school it would be usually just me or one or max two other kids that weren't white. Anyways I found myself always wanting to look like them. There was a few times where I can remember dealing with racism but I always brushed it off and let it go. I know now that that wasn't right but I also think that I wasn't prepared or educated enough for when the situation happened. My parents just told me about the very basic and minimal thigs that could happen. I mean it's not their fault but at the same time, I don't think they really knew what they were signing up for. And I know they will never fully understand because they are white so they've never had to experience it, sure they might have seen it, but they will never fully understand how uncomfortable it can be when you don't feel you fit in. Because I was always surrounded by white people and I wished I was 'like them', I hated being Asian, being me. I wanted to be white, and I never really coped with that. I'm not like anymore or to that agree, I think I've kind of learned to live with the fact and not hate it, but there's still that feeling of not feeling like a belong or that I'm confident i myself. I was also super submissive and I don't think I ever really found myself, like I'd always do what people say and never really questioned it. So I think I've just been used to people telling me stuff and now I'm just lost. Still to this day I still don't know who I am. So hopefully when you read this next, you will have closer to maybe doing so, finding yourself I mean. Moving on, I think that my mental health has taken a toll and was stemmed from all of that trauma too. It started in grade 8, I was always anxious when it came to receiving any type of grade back from my teachers. Whether it was a test, project or just overall project. well I was like that way before high school. In fact my parents would always go to my teacher meetings because I would always struggle academically. Anyways like I said grade 8 was when I was really starting to feel the pressure. All of y friends were in this program and I didn't want to leave them because I thought they would leave me. So that's when I felt like I wasn't good enough and then it led to other thoughts. Plus there was the whole body image issue. Keep in mind that my sister was and is the opposite of me. She always did well in school and she was skinny. She still is both of those things btw. I know she worked hard in school and she has her own demons, but it still stung. And I know that she nor my parents never compared us but I was always doing it. I would always gaslight myself that I would never amount to anything super great nor proudful which I know isn't a good habit, but old habits die hard. Oh another thing was that also never made me feel like I didn't belong was the fact the I struggled so much in school and that I wasn't naturally skinny, even though my mental health didn't help in either of those situations, I was always 'taught' that Asians were supposed to be super smart and skinny. So I'm not white but at the same time I'm not good enough to be 'Asian'. Great. I guess I also never tried hard enough because the moment that I knew I was doing well, I'd mess up again. Because no matter what, I'd always mess up. This applies to everything I'm about to say moving on. Next up is my love life and the I think I'll wrap it up with a nice conclusion and maybe some last minute thoughts. This should be fun. So I'm an 18 year old virgin and only been in one relationship. Mind you it was high school but I still learnt a lot about myself. So I've see the movies, heard the songs, read the books ad I decided that I didn't want to that clingy and controlling gf. So much so that I think, well actually, pretty sure that I pushed him away. Now I'm not going to say that he was my great love or anything, so I'm not full on hating myself but I still kinda hate myself for everything. He also made lots of mistakes, but I'm trying to reflect on just me tight now. So one of the things I found out was that communication really is key. We should have made some rules about communicating better. Even though I though they were a given and they are simple and common sense things, I should have still said something. That was thig uno. Next was that I don't like or naturally show my feelings, I'm also not good with words. I guess my love language is tough and looks. Like I won't write a whole essay on why or how much I love you, I'll just give you looks or watch you do simple things. He was the opposite and he never voiced his concerns so it went on like that. So that is thig number deux. And so when we broke up, I got into the mindset of idgaf, which is good yeah but at the same time I kind of turned off my emotions and feelings towards him. Like I kind of got over him too fast, and I think I should've given myself more room to feel, if that makes sense. And now I have to deal with my mom telling me everything I did wrong and what I need to work on in my next relationship. I know she means well but she's really pissing me off. It's all 'you need to open up' and 'go after what you want'. Well guess what? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!!! I don't ******* know and I'm terrified. I don't want to open up because I don't know how that will end, and I'll be damned if it ends horribly. I get it, that's life but I don't want that life. She likes to say and remind me that I'm lazy when it comes to relationships and that I don't want to put in the effort, when really, it's the opposite. I put in too much only to receive nothing. And I know I'll get nothing because I'm me, the second I let them in they'll judge, and that's the last thing I need right now. Another judgy person in my life that I have a messed up mindset and that I'm lazy. I'm also just protecting myself, and if they really cared, they'd stick around long enough to know that I really am a good person. I also don't want to have to rely o a man to bring me happiness, but at the same time I don't want to let that get i the way of finding some either. **** it's hard living in this world. I also don't take compliments at all. I always think they're just being nice and that it's too good to be true. So I usually try to talk about something else or laugh it off. My mom says that she doesn't understand why I don't believe her. Well that's because every comment that you've said about me sticks in my mind. Like one time I ordered a dress online because she always says I don't have style, and that's because I'm super insecure and self-conscious, but I knew she'd judge it. So I planned on watching for our mail and take it before she could notice that I got something, but I forgot and she called me down saying I got mail. At first I tried to play it off and say that I forgot but she kept pressing so I said I just got a dress and ran upstairs. I was super excited and proud of myself because I went out of my comfort zone and got a dress that I didn't even try on before purchasing. I tried to prepare myself as much as I could for what she'd say but it didn't work. I went downstairs and saw her face and immediately wanted to cry. But I wouldn't, not in front of her. I wouldn't let her ruin it for me because I really like the dress. Anyways she said some things and then I went upstairs and cried in the bathroom. As silently as I could. After like 30 mins I changed, went downstairs, and pretended like nothing happened. I also hid the dress in a drawer and didn't look at it for a log time. I put tried the dress back on again a couple months later and she said it looked amazing, I asked her why she didn't say that the first time she saw it and she said it's because I lost weight. Another jab. I haven't worn that dress out because we're in a pandemic but also because I still don't have the confidence yet. But I'm getting there, I think. Another time she commented on my body was when I wanted to wear this cropped sweater and her, my sister and I were going out for errands or somethin, and she looked at me and said I was hanging out. I wanted to die. My sister immediately scolded her and my mom tried to take it back but not really. I haven't worn that sweater since then, I think that was like 2 years ago. So that's why I don't believe it when people compliment me, whether it's on my appearance or not. I always go back to those moments. Anyways that's all I have to say at the moment, I hope you're happy and proud of yourself by the time you read this again. You also don't need to 'leave your mark' on this world, or even have people remember your because of something you did. I know that was important to you when you were younger. Always wanting to prove something to yourself but also being incredibly hard and unreasonable at the same time. I hope you find yourself and go after what you want, to not be afraid of taking chances or stop selling yourself short. I hope you start living and stop existing, to find something worth living. Get your spark and stop feeling like the way you did before. yours truly