A letter from December 27th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Today I have come to the conclusion that I am very lonely. Its not that I am sad or that I am struggling with a broken heart, although on a much smaller scale I might be. But its that I'm longing for something that isn't there. I find myself in physical pain thinking about my situation sometimes. I feel so very alone and I'm not sure what to do about it anymore. Often times I find myself dreaming about a time in which I am no longer alone. A time in which I share my time with the one I love. Unfortunately, a very hypothetical time. What's come this far has never worked out. Always something has come in between me and something lasting, but I also try to remember that that which has already come was not worth it. It was beautiful at times, but it never left enough time and space for me to unpack myself and truly be at peace. I truly hope this will happen at some point in my life. All I crave is for someone to stand by my side with the promise they will stay by my side. For them to be mine and for me to be theirs. For now its just me. I'm trying to create a life for myself, one that I am happy to live. Yet time and time again u find myself disengaged from reality and utterly upset. It could and has made me cry. I hope things are better for you now, that you are more at peace with yourself. Its a process and it doesn't happen overnight. Please be patient. Regardless of if you are alone or with someone, I hope you are at peace with that and that you also find it in yourself not only to be ok alone, but also to commit. Trust, its the safety you need. Commitment is something you've never experienced, hell you never lived anywhere for more than five years. Some stability would be good for you. It would give you peace of mind! Hope you are well and that what came after 2020 treated you better.