A letter from December 26th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I don’t know in what way this will be received by you yet, (started typing on December 22, 2020 at 12:00 AM) either just cleaning my aura before a big decision or a suicidal ideation. Please please do not read this message and take full blame for my actions or thoughts. My thoughts and actions are based on many things. You are the least and I mean least reason why I dislike myself. You may know my father has played a major role in why I am like this. He will not receive a message because the damage he has done to me and my ego is unforgivable. ( If you care to know, I will explain). But your fault is forgiven. I want to have that mother-daughter relationship even if you don’t. I just felt the need to let you know your apart in it all. You are the most important person in my life and your opinion of me is by far the most valuable to me. Although, I don’t like the way you treat me or make me feel. I don’t like when you call me a child actually I hate it. The way I think is nothing near a child’s thoughts and being compared to a child makes me feel small and dumb. I feel a child is more of an accessory to adults and don’t have any real feelings or opinion towards anything besides what they are gonna play with. That is why I don’t like being called a child. I agree I am not an adult yet. But if we can come to the decision to call me a young adult, I would be okay with that. Because I am far from grown and don’t know everything I need to know to be considered grown. I know you don’t know how I think so I hope this message will clear it up. The way you feel nanny treats you is the same way I feel you treat me. I can’t talk to you about anything. Either cause you judge or belittle me. No matter what I say or try to speak with you about, you make it about you or as if i’m trying to disrespect you even if I say the simplest thing. You go above and beyond for your other children but me, I feel as if i’m brushed under a rug. For example, Riyah said out of her own mouth that she doesn’t like you. Made it clear you’re the reason she doesn’t wanna live with us. And you still got her christmas gifts. I have never ever went out of my way to intentionally disrespect you, or hurt your feelings and say I don’t like you. Even after all that, when you were upset and crying, I still listened to you. Let it be known that I understood how you felt and that you weren’t the bad guy. In numeral situations, I defended you and your personality whether you’re around or not because I understand what it’s like. I tried to comfort you when no one else would. Whether you think so or not, I was always that person you had to talk to. To not make you feel like just an angry person. But i’ve never received the same. I’ve had no one to talk to for 6 years. Regardless of how i felt about you at the time, I have never belittled you or told you how you felt was wrong or invalid. Yet I feel as if every time I opened my mouth, I was on thin ice so i’d rather not speak. Rather not address how I feel. So you know you feel you have no one to talk to ? I feel 100 times worse because I don’t have a me to talk to or at least the freedom you do. If you’re upset or angry or sad or anything, you can go out, just drive off, fully shut down, without answering to anyone. I can barely listen to music to calm me down, without the thought of getting my phone taken away. I really wish you could’ve been that person. You make me feel useless, unhelpful, unwanted, unappreciated. Absolutely worthless. You don’t acknowledge any way I help you. Not even in a big grand way i’m asking for. A simple thank you, Shaniya I see that you’re trying to be helpful. Just the little things I do for you such as helping jace with all his school work, making him food if I get a chance, watching him if you’re running to the store, if you have an appointment or anything. Imagine taking jace with you everywhere even if it’s just to the corner store. I am the only one that will always watch Jace no matter what time or what reason. Even doing all of that, you still say “you’re not his mother”. Everyone knows I love Jace with everything in me. I put Jace above myself without even thinking twice about it. There is no reason that at 16 I have deeply think about how what I say or do will affect Jace. Make my plans around your plans because I have to be with Jace. Whether it’s something little like giving him the last of my food right off my plate. Then you say i’m not his mother as if i’d ever do Jace wrong, let any harms come his way whether you’re around or not. And honestly that’s not even what bothers me. If I got the recognition I deserve, I would feel a whole lot better. But it’s when you say I don’t do anything or I don’t help you. Deep down you know I would never do anything to hurt Jace or even Riyah no matter how frustrated I get with them sometimes. You know if there’s no one around to defend them, you know you can count on me to over step my boundaries regardless of who it is. What really hurts is when you defend them against me as if i’m a stranger. Saying that if I hit one of your children again “you’re gonna **** me up”. If you can say that with no remorse and i’m your daughter I wonder what you would say to a stranger. You are the cause for my insecurities. The reason I doubt myself. The reason I don’t feel pretty enough. The reason for my jealousy. No matter what though, I will always respect you because you made me into the humble person I am. I never brag about my accomplishments because they’re never enough. I don’t brag about what I can do because I can always do more. If there’s one thing you taught me, it’s that there’s always room for improvement. Another thing that really hurts is when i’m crying or in pain and you ignore me. I notice that you won’t make eye contact or say anything to me if I don’t say anything to you. And the crazy part is when you’re crying I ran to your every need trying to make you feel better even if you simply have a headache or feeling unappreciated. I just reassure you that I love you and appreciate all that you do. I offer my service to you without a thought. I have spent the last 2 years trying to figure out why you seem to dislike me so much. I honestly think it’s because I look like my father or if it was the fact that I am the first reason you were stuck with him for so long. If it is, I don’t blame you at all. You were strong to put up with it then and even stronger now. I never push to know if that is why because I also know the pain my father has inflicted on you. From the verbal abuse to physical abuse. I have wondered if when you see me you are afraid I will cause the same pain. Mommy I love you from the bottom of my heart and no one else is above you. I am sorry that I am the reason you felt you had to deal with him for so long. If I could reverse to when you were genuinely happy, I promise I would even if that’s B.S( before Shaniya😅). I have cried my self to sleep a total of 245 days in the span of 2 years(yes this is the honest to god number I kept track). I think it may be best if we were to spend a few days away from each other. For you to gather your thoughts about this all and decide if you still want me in your house after everything I said. I know you’re gonna take this message or however I decide to communicate this as disrespectful but I had to say it. With much love, Shaniya. (finished typing on December 22, 2020 at 2:05 AM. How are things now ? What age did you move out ? Are you stable ?