A letter from December 26th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I’m not fully sure why I’m writing this. Usually, I think future letters are kind of cheesy and I never wait long enough to read them or I don’t add enough detail for any of that to matter at all, but we’re here now. Does it stop hurting? I hope it does, but if it doesn’t, this letter is going to hurt. I’m sorry. I feel like every day I have a certain amount of allotted happiness, but it isn’t enough for the whole day. I am so empty and alone once the sun sets. And it’s not like I am sad about anything, it’s like I’m sad about everything or maybe nothing. I find reasons to be sad, I might even say I enjoy that search, but once I find it, I feel hollow. What if it never comes back? Or what if it does? I’ll listen to really sad music, or watch gut-wrenching tv shows or even seek out tear-jerker novels. I’ve been listening to You Wrote “Don’t Forget” on Your Arm by Flatsound and it leaves me empty every time. I’m writing this on December 26, 2020, at 1:46 am and if by some miracle you forgot, there was quite the pandemic in 2020, so you spent most of the year alone. Your friends were there for you a lot for such a long period, but even now it feels like I am drifting from them sometimes. We are so different sometimes that I sit back and think about all these friendships. Lucia really really helped me through everything this year and I wish I could reciprocate for her, but I can never seem to stop talking. Also, I just have a looming feeling that she feels the same way about our friendship; that it might not last. I hope it does, but I am so worried that she’ll just mark the end of a chapter. As I’m writing I realize how angsty and dramatic this letter is, but please don’t just brush it off as a sad little memento from highschool when you felt bad. Please. If you don’t remember any of this period of sadness, I am beyond happy for you, but if you still feel like this, I am so so sorry. It just hurts and I suppose I need someone to tell without feeling like a burden. Did you ever “get over” that, the whole burden thing? It echoes off my skull-most of the time a few minutes too late so that I feel just ****** enough after. I started drinking and smoking weed this year. I am terrified of what I could become. I feel like I am always within arm's length of going way too far. I can already tell alcohol will be dangerous for me- it’s numbing and I think I seek out sadness so that one day I just won’t feel any of it anymore. I am so scared and I really, really hope you can give me the answers. I haven’t decided when I’ll open this but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my life plans and I don’t really see myself having any kind of life goals or anything past 35. Is that any different? Do you see a future? To make things a little lighter, I’ll do some predicting. I think I’ll be working in marketing with some sort of partner that I want to marry even though I always said I never wanted a wedding. I think I’ll have a cat and a house and hope. Most of all, I hope you look in a mirror and see yourself, a good version of yourself because It’s you, despite all of it, it’s still you. Sincerely, You p.s In true us nature, this is the first and only draft, so enjoy the ramblings of our conscience.