A letter from December 21st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Where to begin. You are so incredibly strong. From trauma you grew, and flourished. Your rapist still in jail how many years now? 5? Your addictions conquered, your self harm under control right? In 2020 you are 3 months clean from any alcohol, 3 months since your last attempt, 1 year clean from any drugs, 2 years clean from weed, hopefully in those five years you’ve kicked that nicotine addiction too. And I pray that you’ve healed from losing our baby. I pray you have a baby by now, and give your baby unconditional love, break that generational curse, no more trauma. When did he marry you, how did he propose, and tell me he played The song in the background. I know before you were always worried that he was doing stuff behind your back because of how men treated you before you met your angel. But in 2020, 3 years in, he is still so caring, still so absolutely in love with you. Still loving every inch, nook and cranny of your mind, body and soul. Does he still kiss you awake? Does he still put fuzzy socks on you before bed? I’m sure he still wakes you up from nightmares with tea and a back rub. The way he loves your family the way you love your family is amazing, he’s showing your sisters how a real man treats a woman. He makes them feel safe, do they still love his corny dad jokes? Can you take some time to look into our past? You’re healed enough now. Do you remember fighting grown men who were abusing mom? You did that. You, 10 years old is your first real memory of it. Do you remember the last time you protected your mom and your F with no sign of giving in? Do you remember how you had to negotiate with Ms father? You held tiny M in your arms so so tightly as she slept, and told him we would NEVER tell anyone if he let us go. We weren’t afraid. F was behind us, mom to the left beaten so badly she couldn’t talk, he just sat there with the knife in his hands saying it was either mom and him, or M and him, we had to choose. You got all of them out of there. You wrote out what was happening over the years to that nice officer the same night, so composed and even though your handwriting was messy he helped you and helped send him back to his country. You did that. Do you remember being ready to testify in court against your rapist? Do you remember the relief you felt when he admitted he lied about not attacking you, and when the judge finally stopped talking about his future and started talking about yours? You were so brave. Do you remember trying to muster up the strength to eat after losing the baby? You held yourself together in that moment, you pushed that so far back into your mind and I know you felt so guilty about doing that. About not allowing yourself to grieve. I know you abused alcohol to forget, but you showed strength by making the choice to be sober, to wear the date on your ring, to look at the ultrasound pictures and pray you get to meet him one day. You value your life now. You value waking up and starting the day. 5 years from now you will value your bravery throughout your life. You could have gone down a different path but you didn’t. 5 years from now you better have stuck with it, you deserve to be healthy, loved, and happy.