A letter from December 20th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It’s currently 12:07am on a Sunday night and I’m just sitting in my car chain smoking cigs as I always do. A part of me really hopes you’re no longer smoking cigs whenever you happen to read this. If you do still smoke well then... I guess I’m not surprised in the slightest. Self care and motivation to do literally anything has never been our strong suit. I wonder if you’ll still be the same depressed piece of **** or if you’ll have made something of yourself. As of right now, I don’t really see a bright future for myself. I’m not actively trying to make my life better, just kind of existing at this point. Nothing seems worth it. Worth the trouble.. the time and energy. I don’t know, maybe you’ll feel differently than I do but life’s just hard :( I’m currently working at a nursing home, you know, the server job and while I actually kind of enjoy it, it’s not really paying the bills and that only makes the anxiety and depression I have worse. If only we could have been a trust fund kid lmao. Money doesn’t bring happiness but **** it would sure help out a lot around here. I mean I’m a 23 year old making 12 an hour. Meanwhile, my friends are all graduating college and going to be making bank here soon. I’m happy for them of course, their success means everything to me. I just wish my success meant a little more to me, for your sake and our family’s. I know mom worries about me, she’s alwayyyys reminding me that she won’t be here forever and at some point I’m going to need to get my life together. I really don’t want to grow up anymore. I don’t want things to change. I hate change, I’m sure you do too, because you’re me and I won’t ever change. I’m just stuck in this never ending pity party, having zero motivation to make a difference and then complaining that life is too hard. Life is really what you make it and right now I’m making it my own personal hell. I know I’m probably annoying you, unless you still agree, which in that case get back on your ******* medicine dummy unless you want to end up back in the psych ward. It was nice to get away from reality for a little but trust me, you wanted to go home so badly to see Oliver and just sleep in your own bed after the first few days. All I’m saying is that I’m hoping and praying to a god I don’t even believe in that life is a little different when you’re reading this. Maybe by then you’ll have found someone and have started settling down. Or maybe you’re still single, and that’s ok, I am not rushing a relationship anyyyytime soon. Hopefully by the time you’re reading this you’ll have discovered if were asexual or not lmfao. Anyway, I’m just gonna list off some things about 23 year old me that you might find interesting, or simply forgot all about. My favorite song currently is Americans by This Or The Apocalypse. It’s constantly changing which I’m sure you’re well aware of but yeah that song as of right now is my favorite. Listen to it if you haven’t in a while. Faith is my best friend, I’m sure her annoying *** will still be your best friend whenever you’re reading this lol. At this point we’ll never not be friends, she’s my soul sister. Oliver is 7 and chunky as can be. Please give him a big smooch for me. This year, 2020 is when I got the car I’ve been wanting since it came out. You’re probably still whipping it. I have NOT been diagnosed with covid, so that’s pretty cool lol. Hopefully I’m not jinxing myself with this. My wrist still hurts from the wreck I was in about 7-8 months ago. The bone is bent? Curved? I don’t know. I truly wouldn’t be surprised if you never went to see a hand specialist about it. I basically live off cigarettes, coffee, weed, and one meal a day. Breakfast makes me sick and food is too expensive so you know I be getting the free lunches at work. I’m still actively trying to get my job back at us bank but they’re playing games. They act like I cussed out every customer and stole all their private information when in reality I just had attendance issues because I’m, once again, a depressed piece of ****. I’m just going to assume now they never hired you and you eventually just moved on. It’s 1:03 am, I just got a Charlie horse and Just Like You by Falling in Reverse is playing. Have you met Ronnie yet???? Work was stressful today, the pregnant ***** quit like 30 minutes before her shift started and you basically had to run around like a chicken with your head cut off. Faith is finally getting over the one who shall be left unnamed. I just hope it’ll stay that way. I have like probably 80 dollars in my bank account right now and I don’t get paid for another week or so. I’ll try to win the lottery for you so you don’t have to live this way. I have faded *** green and purple hair that I need to dye soon. I’ll probably go blue. I wonder what your hair color will be. I still haven’t covered the ****** tattoo I let my friends husband do like 2 years ago. If you haven’t already, please get that **** covered. NOW. Sell your kidney if you have to. I don’t care just get it done. Skyline and Larosa’s are my go to food when eating out. I’m sure nothings changed. Both sides of my nose are pierced. Don’t take them out. I want to be 80 rocking these *******. I’m wearing all black with my bright yellow psych ward socks and crocs. It’s called fashion. Don’t ever become basic ok? I need to make myself another cup of coffee, smoke on my dab pen and cigs and just scroll through tik tok for a while before I have to wake up tomorrow morning and do this thing we call life. I know this is long, but I also know you’ll enjoy reading this, or maybe you’ll be sad reading it? I’m not sure. I mean you might even be dead by the time this thing gets sent out so I guess only time will tell. I’d like to think that we’re gonna be ok. Life can’t suck forever. Stay weird, stay emo and most importantly stay safe. I can’t wait to read this in the future.