A letter from December 19th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, You're typing this email now, at 12.18am on 20th December. This was what you were feeling. Hurt, disappointed, emotional, confused and most of all, you just wished you did things differently because you're here now feeling the same exact feelings you swore it wouldn't happen again. Broke. You're so stressed about money because you've spent so so much on people and things you didn't need, and now you're wondering how you're even going to pay your past phone bills, let alone plan a birthday surprise for the guy you're currently dating. Oh. The guy. You're back with him and you claim you're the happiest now. Things have been working out well for both of you now, but it's still extremely hard to trust fully and you're still the same - stuck in the familiar feeling of pain. When will you learn tho that you're feeling this way only because you're letting your mind takes toll on you? Or is it the guy? Are you truly happy with him? I guess so because this time round, both of you are constantly trying to fix whatever that's coming. Do you run out of energy yet as you're reading this, now? What's different than the feelings your 22 year old felt? Are you still insanely jealous? Are you constantly feeling pain, and hurt, even when you assure yourself that you're healthy enough, and healthy enough to love? Your mental health. You just cried because you're disappointed at how the people around you fail to notice how you'd do anything for them, and that includes neglecting yourself, to make them feel loved. So you cried, and you cried too because you're now further from God. This year was when you start donning the hijab, but now you're unsure if this is what you really want. You're upset and angry because you're so far, and it's been so hard to get by lately. You're pausing, while typing this, taking in all the changes that you aren't sure if you can handle it. Most of all, you feel like you need help. To navigate through this. You're constantly feeling too happy, or too sad. You suddenly don't feel like you want him anymore, or you don't want to be here, or you're just not loving yourself enough. Actually, do you even love yourself to begin with? School. You don't even know if this is for you. You catched up with friends, and assured everyone that you know what lies ahead, what you're doing, what you're going to become and how to get there. The truth is, you're not even sure of anything. And when I mean by anything, you're not sure you want the same things, or you want it anymore. You just want to know, but you don't. You're hurt because you got attached to a friend in school, which now, you have to look at things far from what you truly feel. You're always someone who thinks, observe and feel too much. And to some, that's not ideal and you're just killing your own...vibe? The people around you. You try so much to appreciate those around you, but you never fully grasp on how to show that you love or care. It seems that your heart is just so...cold. Although you want to be the warmth in people's life. The go-to, the comfort zone, the safe space. But it's strange because you don't feel connected even when it is evident that you're so loved. Why? Your family. You blame them for how you turn out to be. Passive aggresive, all your ruined relationships and friendship, the way you respond and see things, the way you can't quite love anybody. But now that you're reading this, if you are (And if you don't accidentally delete this email like the gmail-delete everything gal), could you really blame anyone but yourself for the mess you made? Today, you admit that sincerity is so hard to be, or to practice, and you realize now how transactional your connection with people are. Lonely. You're so lonely. For real. Even when you have your best friend and lover beside you, even when you are blessed with nephews and a beautiful niece, even when it seems like you got it altogether. You're so lonely and it's taking a toll on you. Identity. You don't know who you are. You don't know how to love, you don't know how to feel just enough, and most of all, you don't know how to get by. (You just closed your eyes while typing this) But. If you're reading this. You made it. You always will. I won't give you lists of things to improve on, or things to reflect and ponder. Because I know you'll know soon, and eventually. But I'm proud of you. I have always been. I don't know what lies ahead, but let's meet halfway shall we? One day, I hope you find enough courage to do things, to feel things, to just be happy.