A letter from December 19th, 2020

"It feels wrong to feel so hurt when all seems so right. I'm so grateful and yet anxiety yanks it's chain harder around my neck, pulling me back in right before I can get a glimpse of the light." Future me, you might be lost or in a rough patch, but remember he loves you, your family isn't mad at you, your body is fine, your friends actually care about you, you're trying your best. You've accomplished a lot haven't you? You take that for granted... you dismiss it like everything else, don't you? And he was the one after all, huh? You didn't listen to them, right? They judged what you had because they couldn't see what real love was... you didn't let them get into your head, you better not have. He's the best thing that's ever happened to you and he's everything you've ever wanted. You used to cry at night, alone in your bed, because for a short moment you thought maybe you'd never find someone who wouldn't make you feel like a second choice. Someone who chose you when it was convenient for them. You've been conditioned by fake promises of the past to believe that you deserved less and you don't. Those times before, that wasn't love, that wasn't happiness. This is. A man who opens doors for you, holds you during a panic attack, tells you he loves you every single day, brings you your favorite food when you're feeling down, makes you laugh so hard you cry, actually communicates with you... that is true love. Don't ever let that go. DON'T you dare. As for work, you better have finished that book. It's been five years, come on. No more excuses, it's what you were meant to do. If I'm being honest, you were actually meant to be a teacher, a wife, a creator, someone who spreads love and inspires others to make their own stories known. You were not meant for a quiet existence so you better have not let them tame you. The world is an interesting place and the people in it will always try to tear you down, but there are others who see your purpose and value... hold them closer. See, it feels like you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and the world wants you to think that, but little do they know you are the light. You're the flicker of a light in the darkness of humanity and if you gather together with other lights it won't be as terrible. It definitely won't be nearly as dark as it was. So stop being so stubborn and stuck in the past future me, because there is so much to live for. Stop hating yourself. Love, past you