A letter from December 18th, 2020

Dear future me, Hey, it's me again... I've.. I've officially lost the sense of life or like lose the will to live, I don't know what to do anymore whatever I do I just feel bored bro... I'm so pissed right now that I want to scream or cry! I can't anymore I hate it I so hate this feeling I want to remove it wants to erase it I want to remove this feeling out of me! if you are reading this just so you know, I'm suffering right now and I don't know if you're still alive at this moment its been five years.. how are you? if you've read this I just want you to know that doesn't give up yeah? I know... it's hard... it's just how life is, I want you to know! that God has plans for you just wait for the moment of perfect time I'm so sorry cause I still don't know what I want when I grow up... i-i'm sorry if I'm relying on you so much, I just want to give up or disappear I don't want to wake up tomorrow I'm so sorry so if you've changed I'm so proud of you! I actually don't wanna grow or age up and I also don't wanna go back to the past I'm so dumb that I don't wanna cry but I'm listening to sad audio HAHAHA I've conquered my 3 days of hell aka exams without studying I hate school, I hate it so much that it's one of the reasons why I don't wanna live anymore, I might actually die next year on April 13, 2021, of my 14 years experience in life it's been hell come to think of it I don't know if I'm even happy in elementary hehe, as far as I remember I have these suicide thoughts na since grade 5 or 4 to where I am now.. which is grade 8 its been 3 or 4 years but I'm still alive...they...what's the point of living anyways if you don't even feel alive.. what's the point of living in this universe if the one that kept you alive isn't even here.. which is the anime... 7 days left and it's christmas na... it feels like it's only been 5 minutes in the christmas of 2019... my worst chrismast is in 2019... empty I feel empty and alone even though im surrounded by people, i want to smile and laugh genuinely...I love you and if you feel like no one loves you just remember that there's a God there that always takes care of you and loved you since the day you were born.. I hate to say this but I'm afraid that day will come where I have hated God.. I don't want it... I don't want that.