A letter from December 18th, 2020

Dec 14 2025 Dear Dan 2025, Right now, I am sat in Mags’ front room. She is in the bedroom doing this workshop and I feel so lucky to have met someone who supports me and egages in what I do in a real way. I am in Stepney Green, and it is raining hard. It’s dark and wet outside, but here it is warm and safe. Really safe, and I am grateful for that. There is washing drying, because we live in small flats, because we are Londoners. This place is cosy and full of joyful things – cushions, candles, art, books – which is a bit of a contrast to where I live with Ian. Today I have been quite stressed and worried, as I went to get some medical stuff done. I have had a bad gut for weeks – years, really – without stopping to get it seen to. It felt good to finally do that. I got examined, had a blood test. I drank a terrible coffee in Starbucks and lost the work I was doing on my newsletter. I cycled, because cycling is winning. Less so in the rain, so I decided – after some deliberation – to come back to Mags’. Despite telling myself I needed space. Perhaps I do still need space, but I also am glad to be here. I can exist in multiple states at once, which I struggled with for a long time. This weekend, I filled it with good things. I went for drinks with poetry pals, in my ongoing quest to develop my social side and make an independent life for myself. I was a good presence, I feel. I didn’t drink too much, but enjoyed what I did. I did yoga on Saturday, crying in shivansana – which is becoming a regular thing. I was grateful for this, and for being connected with my body and tensions. I saw Alice in Wonderland with my pixie of a girlfriend, and it was magical together. I’ve felt quite in love this weekend. We broke the law by going to a party, and further broke it by taking a bunch of substances. It was a lot of fun. I had some feeling for a beautiful man, which may have been exacerbated by the 2CB. This year, in relation to Naomi, has been one of getting through the firsts – a year since leaving, divorcing. It has been useful to measure that inner progress and really learn that lesson of time – and a lot of self reflective honesty – makes everything better. I hope that in five years you don’t really think about her any more. That she is an easy story you tell, with a shrug and a ‘yeah, that happened’ – and it slides off you like an easy simile. I hope you never lose your love of being meta, because not only do you find it fun and think it makes you sound smart, but also it’s helpful to put everything into perspective. As 2020 comes to a close, I feel very mixed. In many ways, this year has been the best – increased income and work significantly, in a job I have made for myself. And made work in a global pandemic. My health and fitness is at the best it has ever been, on the brink of training for a marathon. I don’t over indulge on food or drink, but enjoy those things – occasionally to excess – healthily. My mental health is pretty good – I’ve processed a lot of ****, and know how to take care of myself. I’ve developed a relationship with harder drugs, and feel good about the freedom of that – especially psychedelics. I’ve met an absolutely wonderful person in Mags, and a whole bunch of new friends besides. I had one of the best birthdays ever. It’s been a terrible year too, with the pandemic and restrictions. I’ve felt that and hated it from time to time. But, I feel proud of how I’ve been. Proud of this year may be the key word here. In 2025, I hope you are still on this path. I feel that I’ve learned the path is not one towards some sort of better and more happiness, but one of sustainable positive experience. Riding those lows as you ride those highs, and enjoying the decent middle bits. Practicing gratitude and self care in serious and robust ways. I hope you’re laughing even more. I hope you are still taking care of your physical fitness, because buddy – I’ve put the effort in this year. I hope you are doing something important with your life, and possibly very different to now. I hope you are happy, of course. Generally happy. I hope you’ve finally bought a bloody flat. If you haven’t made peace with aging, and becoming older in the eyes of the world… then that might be ok. 40 is not old, which is easy to say now. And hopefully, it will be easy to say for you, too. If you haven’t had a wealth of experiences that are not like your life now, I’ll be wondering what happened. I don’t want to think of you stagnating. By the same token, I hope you’re grateful for me putting in this work now. I hope you’re enjoying the fruits of this labour. You owe me that. I hope you are still journaling – at least, if that makes sense for your life. I don’t want to judge you – you’re probably not very different to me. If you are, I wonder what’s gone super wrong – or super right. If you don’t have a beard, I wonder what’s gone super wrong – or super right. I wish you fulfilment in all you do, and consciousness in your choices. Be bold and brave, with yourself first and foremost, and let that flow into the world. Self reflect, but live in the moment too. Listen to your gut, even when it’s unwell. Your body is steering you better than your brain right now, and you know that when the two work in tandem you can be a powerful force in whatever you put your self into. You’ve got this. In 2020, I am proud of myself. I hope you feel the same about yourself in 2025. Love to you always, Dan