A letter from December 17th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It’s 2020 and I kind of wonder if this is truly going to be a terrible year in the future too. I hope so. I don’t want things to go downhill rather than up. But I mean who doesn’t. I’m currently sitting in math class doing nothing. Like usual. Do you still have a stutter? Are you more confident? Are you working on a computer science degree? Hopefully you’re doing something that’ll make you happy. Right now I’m dating Ben. He’s wonderful and I hope he is in the future too. It’d be pretty cool to be with him 5 years from now. He’s extremely intelligent and I hope you don’t lose him or maybe he’ll lose you. I don’t see myself breaking it off with him but who knows. This is a long time we’re talking about. He still hasn’t told me his last name! I wonder if you know his last name lol. I wonder if what I feel with him is actually love. It could be. Maybe it is or maybe we’ll find out what real love is as we get older. I’m excited to try and figure it all out. How’s your mental health? I’ve been struggling with cutting a lot. I feel as if I deserve to be hurt and the only way I can live with myself is if I do it. It makes me wish I would just die on occasion. I hate myself so much it just really hurts. Do you love yourself? I hope you do. I want to be better not to die. I wanna see what it’s like out there. Goodness, I hope I’m not dead. If so I wonder if anyone will be able to read this. I hope everyone knows I love them. Can you tell those you care about that you love them real quick. Just to make sure they know. It might mean a lot to them. Did you ever figure out the whole ADHD situation? If you don’t have it have you at least figure out how to cope with the struggles. If you do have it what are you doing to subside it? Are you getting better? I wonder if being 21 is hard. Being 16 is really easy tbh. I feel kinda bad for you. Well anyways tell Ben I said “Hi!” if he’s still around. I really hope he’s healthier now. I worry so much for him. Tell mom that I love her and she has done a really good job of raising me so far. Life is hard and kids make it so much harder. She is such an amazing woman. Ong little sis is 6 (or 7?) now! I hope she is growing to be a good little girl. I hope she knows she will always be loved and accepted by me. Little brother, is kind of a grump and mean. I wonder what he’s up to at the ripe ol’ age of 19. Hopefully not a bum and though I don’t say it often I do love and care about him too. Step dad... hmm not much to say. He’s chill ig You, I hope you’re doing well. Life is hard and always will be. You just gotta push through. I believe in you. I want to be better and I’m hope you get to experience that better!