A letter from December 17th, 2020

Dear Diamond, this is you from year 2020 just a week before Christmas. I wanted to leave this message in case you were feeling low or forgot how far you’ve come. Right now, we are fighting this war of what we call self-hate. We’ve picked up Invisalign to fix your smile. We’ve researched gastric sleeves, bypasses, and Liposuction but we don’t qualify for the former. Your demon, Bulimia nervosa is one hell of a demon. We’ve forced ourselves to eat once a day because of the stomach pains, and cry when we eat for a second. We’ve stopped going out, dodging parties with friends, and meeting new people because we hate what looks back in the mirror. We cry ourselves to sleep almost 1-3 times a week. Especially at the thought of someone ever loving us. Some times you hurt so much, you think God doesn’t love you for letting you live. You just want unconditional love you were never given. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect is all you know, but you shut that door of your past and keep it locked away deep within you. Every time you think of yourself worth loving, it cracks and blows in this tide that sweeps you back to square one. In those moments your chest is heavy, your breathing is harder, your mind is racing, and your tears are nonstop. And those tears...it’s pure pain. They stopped being water so long ago. It’s funny.. because they’re all you drown in. Anyways.. wherever you are... whether it’s bad or amazing - I’m proud of you. You kept going, pushing, and probably love yourself unapologetically. And if you do, keep going. It’s all we ever wanted. If you don’t, still keep going. No one said making dreams a reality would be easy. Just know, I love you.