A letter from December 14th, 2020

My dearest Eris, December 14th in 2020 was the day your whole life fell apart. I'm hoping when this finds you, you would have recovered from the battle we lost and are thriving wherever you are. But today, we are not. The past few months or maybe years really, have been rough. In 2018, we decided to pursue a degree that wasn't right for us, I don't know what we were thinking and I wish we could go back and tell our past self to do psychology, prevent all of our mistakes and all of our suffering from happening in the first place. Speaking of mistakes, we made a few. First, was choosing Computer Science just because we thought we had something to prove, let's be honest, we were still hung up on what happened in Keflavík and let our past decide for us which then led to a lot of pain on our part. I can't believe we let them control us for so long. Our next mistake was not changing degrees in our first year when we still could. Our stubbornness and pride was our downfall and sadly, it probably won't be our last. But perhaps, that's okay - we were always so afraid of falling that we took every precaution possible to prevent it from happening and that made us weak. How can you learn to get up if you don't fall? And even so, we still did in the end. Regardless of what happened, I still find myself not regretting any of it. Not really. We learned so much during our time in the UK and we became so much more confident! Our social anxiety lessened a fair bit. Our independence went through the roof, we did everything by ourselves and we did it well. We tried so many new things, we even saw our first meteor shower! That happened just yesterday (13/12/2020) and it was amazing, way bigger than we expected and so bright. We made a wish because if wishing upon a star is supposed to work, then surely wishing upon a meteor should be even more powerful? That's also what we wished for. Power. I'm not going to deny it anymore, that's what I always wanted, in one way or another and if that makes me the bad guy so be it. I don't have an awful lot of hope now, hard to have when all your dreams and goals just got flushed down the toilet - blown out of the existence - crushed completely, you get the gist. But I still made that wish because no matter how hard I try not to, I will always have hope. Even if it's only the size of dust. We don't have much of a plan anymore, truly winging it for the first time ever and it's terryfing. There is a lot of things I'm currently worried about but we're not alone and I won't have to do this alone. I'm wanting to start a buisness degree back home next year or psychology, haven't quite decided yet. I'm hoping to find work very quickly but apparently the chances are pretty low, but I will try and then try again and again because what other choice do I have? Yes, dying is thing I want most but my only option is to do it myself and all the ways I can are either too painful or too long and have way too high chance of recovery so I'm stuck continuing on. To sum it up, we just got completely ****** - or more like, we completely ****** ourselves over. It's been bad enough that I almost went ahead and used one of the ways I was just talking about - to end it all. My fear of surviving was the only thing that stopped me. My hair keeps falling out, pretty sure we lost a lot of weight, our skin is very bad as well. Basically, everything hurts. Our body has grown so weak that I could barely bake a cake the other day because I couldn't mix it properly. I'm sure the memories of this will appear rather quickly as you read this so I will spare you any further details, darling. I just hope that we managed to pull through and aren't a complete loser 3 and 5 years from now. Always and forever, Sandra.