A letter from December 13th, 2020

This is you, Omar, the 5 years ago Omar that is. I sent you this on December 13th. But being me, a weirdly poetic type of person that has to "feel right" about stuff, I scheduled it to arrive on the 25th. It just feels better. By the time this finds you, you will be 25, soon to be 26. This is the age that our past selves thought that it would be our best time. Is it? I hope you don't cry reading this. I hope that if you do cry, then it will be because you remembered how tough this time was for us and not because you're suffering one way or another. I hope you forget about this current version of us. and by "current version", I mean me. The one sending this message. I hope that for once, you feel proud of us. I hope you've forgotten how much of a bad person I was. I really hope that you're at peace with the person you've become over the years. I wish that you'd forget my mistakes, and forgive me for them. Because honestly, I can't forgive myself. And I wish that by the time this finds you, you'd be calmer, and forgiving. This time in 5 years you'll remember how it felt in college. And I hope so much that you'll be more comfortable about where you are. A steady job in whatever field. A nice flat. and maybe even a girlfriend:D Tell Mom I love her so much. Tell her I'm sorry that I'm telling you to do it instead of me. Tell her I'm sorry I wasn't the son she deserved or wanted over these years. I'm sorry I let so many things drift us apart. I'm sorry I wasn't the backup she needed at some times. I'm sorry I was the most selfish person ever. I won't lie to you... I write this now thinking of Hassan. I'm still hurt. I still have so many regrets. I hope that in 5 years you find some inner peace. I don't want to make this long, but please, be well. Get up and keep fighting, please. I don't know how you feel, nor do I know what is going on with your life right now. But please, keep fighting until you find what we're both searching for. Peace. I don't love me. But I hope you love yourself. And please, forgive me. Thank Omnia and Esraa for every time they stood by my side, while I was lost in utter darkness.