A letter from December 11th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I don't really know how to start this? How do you write a letter to yourself? I guess the first thing I should ask should be-How are you? Right now, I'm rocking Audrey to sleep in her chair while she drinks a bottle. Easton and Jack are watching TV in their bedroom and Kyle is in bed. There are 15 days til Christmas. It's crazy though because it doesn't really feel like Christmas. I don't feel like I have my family anymore. Mom and I don't really talk since dad died in 2018. Every 3 months or so she will call. Wonder if that will change? Speaking of dad. God I miss him so much. Too much. (Is that possible?) And grandma. My heart literally hurts when I think about them. I cry any time when I am alone. When is it supposed to get better? It feels like half the time my world is crashing in around me and I don't wanna be here anymore. But I just keep pushing on. I try really hard to keep it together for the kids. I'm doing my best but 9 times out of 10 it doesn't feel good enough. I've lost myself. I feel like my only purpose is to be a wife and a mom. I'm not really passionate about anything anymore. And I rarely do anything for myself to make me happy. Please tell me that will change. I hope that I've found myself again. I hope that I can get back to being happy. Because right now all I feel is sadness and numb. So anyways. To cut a very long vent session short... I hope that I'm me again. But also that I'm still here. -mnm