A letter from the past

Dear future self, Well it's currently a dark night and you've been wallowing in self pity as you often (used to) do, so you decided to write a list. It's just like the ones you've written a dozen times saying eat better, sleep, read, exercise and all that slop. But it's different this time, this time I'm telling you to have fun as well because I realise I need to improve for myself, for YOUR sake. ***** is tough currently, covid, depression and you probably remember first year engineering being a *****. And it's obviously so absolutely horrendous that I've decided to put my trust in you. Not that I trust you'll finish the course and go on to get a masters or that you skipped all that and became a writer, but that even if you dropped out, or "failed" at anything you wanted. I trust that you tried and you're still trying, I trust that you've at least done something, I trust that you're at least happier than I am now. And even if you aren't just remember, as far as you know you always have another five years. I'm having trouble writing this (I suppose I haven't actually tried properly writing at this point) but I'm writing because I care, I truly do and wether this is just some pat on the back or a bit of motivation in the future I can say it was worth it because a few moments of my sleepless night might get me or you off their ***** and who knows how much good I could do when that boulder gets rolling. If you haven't done so already here's a list of what I wanted to happen: -travel, if you have the money or the time but a ticket right now. Don't bother with hotels. Cheap flights and campsites! -write a novel. Does not matter if it's the ********* thing you've ever read. If you enjoyed it, do it again. Same goes for drawing, you enjoy that ****. -Go out! Don't be like you are now. I don't care where, when, with or without people, just do it. -Date. I'm ******* terrified (and like a 6.5 on a good day) I know but just do it. -Just have a little bit of gratitude, for anything, anyone. Just start realising there is good ****. I know how easy it is for you to focus on the bad and how that just makes all the rest fade out. I know how ****** things get when you go there. -and as per my previous point, if things haven't improved or have gotten worse, go to therapy. Just don't shut everyone put like I do, LET THEM HELP, THEY WANT TO. Don't cry yourself to sleep at night and then put on a smile the next day and pretend everything is good. You deserve better... I deserve better. The last thing I want to say is everyday it gets a little easier, I hope it's piss easy for you to get up in the mornings because right now, it's the hardest part of the day. I hope cool sciency space **** has happened in the last few years or something. -best regards Your ******, 18 year old self who really must sleep.