A letter from December 4th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, This is you from five years ago. I'm FINALLY moving to the UK in a few weeks. How did that go? Are you still there? Did it make you happier, freer, as you hoped? Right now, I feel very stuck. After mum and grandma died, I've felt really alone, and I don't see the point in being here. I fight with my sister and my dad a lot, and I feel like I need to get away from here, now that I can. We are in the middle of a pandemic, and being in lockdown has been both awful and great for my mental health. I finally started to assume I need a BIG change. By the way, I hope life went back to normal, I can't imagine a lifetime without concerts and festivals. Remember when we did our erasmus in the UK, in 2014? We felt so alive. Coming back was the worst, and nothing has felt as good ever since. Leaving Stu there was one of the worst parts. We talked to him during the first lockdown, and it felt nice but also really scary. What happened with him? Did you end up in the same city again? Did you see him? Did you kiss him, and did it still feel like the earth stopped turning? Remember when he said we were his soulmate? Does it still feel real? When he said it, it felt like your heart would explode and you were in a movie. I haven't seen him in years, but it feels like he is my person. I'm scared, we got toxic when we talked this year, but it was in the middle of a lockdown, I was dealing with grief, and he had a girlfriend (we are not proud of this part, but it was a weird situation, we both didn't know how to proceed so we just stopped talking). I am currently single. I talk to a few people, but I am really not in the mindset to date anyone. I like that I'm okay-ish with it, although I really miss the excitement of being with someone and having fun, the cuddles and, obviously, ***. I don't have time for anyone, though. I just tried a poly relationship for a bit and I HATED it. How do you feel about it now? I wonder what the memes will be when you read this. Maybe they'll be outdated. Oh my god, I wonder if the memes I find hilarious now will be like seeing the "fuuuu" memes at the moment, super cringy. Right now, I laugh at the weirdest stuff. Right now, my best friend is Sonia. Is that still true? I love her, although sometimes she can be a bit dominant, and she is always busy studying. I feel under-appreciated by most of my friends, even though I have a handful of good ones who I know really love me. But I hate feeling like I have to chase everyone. Do you feel less insecure? Do you care less about what others think? I have been quite depressed, but I want to find a therapist in the UK, and possibly take antidepressants. Did that ever happen? Did it help? I also hate that I care about what others think so much. I have been trying to fake it until I make it. Pretend to be confident so maybe I'll end up believing it. Was that a crazy idea? I hope you finally take risks, I am really scared of wasting my life being scared (ironic, I know) and stuck. I want to study again. My current favorite options are: a master's related to Translation, possible teaching if I don't hate it (I currently do), and I'm also interested in programming and nutrition. However, my dream would be to work on something related to music, because music makes me very happy. Is music more present in your life now? Or even: are you working in the field? How do you feel about mum and grandma now? Is it still so painful, or are you able to think about them with your eyes closed and smile? I am feeling a bit better about it now, but sometimes I feel really lost without them, and I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life like that. If I ever get married (are you still so scared of that idea, or did growing a bit older make you feel ready to be an adult?), I feel like them not being there will bring me down a lot. Does it still feel so hard to get up in the morning? Have you managed to drink more water, eat more fruit? Do you feel nice about what you see in the mirror? Are you working out regularly? Have you managed to not feel smaller than others? It's ok if you haven't improved much, as long as you don't stop working on it. One step at a time. But I hope you made some progress, *****, it's been five years. Remember to not live in the past/future if you still do that. Or you'll forget to live your present! Which is what I am doing. But I think I am excused, after a pandemic, losing two of the most important people in my life, not really seeing any friends in my daily life, and being in my hometown, which is extremely boring. I hope you love yourself more. But anyway, I love you. I will always love you! (not sure if this whole sentence makes sense, but it does in my head) Big hug (hug yourself, please), Susanna from 2020, the weirdest year. PS: I'm posting this one as public. If you're reading this: hello! Big kiss from a Spaniard trying to figure herself out.