A letter from December 2nd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It is 8.59 pm (December 2, 2020). I am happy today because our Math teacher let us off class 20 minutes early. That's about the only good thing that happened today. It's already so cold this time of year and it's not even Poush yet. Anyways, I'm not gonna try and make this letter very structured. Here goes nothing: I haven't written in my journal for almost a month. I have been busy with online classes and assignments. They come one after another in a never ending loop. I also took IQ test today again. I got 140. Let's see how that pans out. I made a fan account for TS and it was my 1 month anniversary yesterday. I already have 998 followers lol. I haven't also read or listened to books in a while and I miss going to the library or just being immersed in a book so much. I have online exams/ UT starting this Sunday. I hope I do good. I haven't started preparing because (i) I have so many assignments and (ii) I have been procrastinating so much. Now, let's move on to some deeper things. I find myself thinking about ***** quite frequently these days. Maybe it's because I am surrounded by it. I'm not even sure if I will get to read this letter because I have become so paranoid. I was afraid to go to sleep for a month because I always had nightmares. IDK the dreams were too tiring. I feel like I haven't thought in a while yk. I haven't given myself time to think about my feelings or emotions. I couldn't even tell if I am happy right now or not. I am definitely not at peace. I wonder how that feels. I have set a wall around myself for myself. I don't even let myself in. I keep myself busy in things that don't matter and have not been reflective of myself and my thoughts. And it seems to be working because, I don't even know what to write right now. idk what will make me happy to read a few years from now. Let's say I set this for 5 years. I will be 23; hopefully I will have graduated and moved somewhere else and I hope I am satisfied. But, what would I wanna hear from this time? Do I say things like, "OMG I hope you achieved all your dreams" blah blah because frankly, I don't know if I will. I feel like I am pretending to be Riya. I don't know who I really am, but I know Riya pretty well and portray her really well, but I'm not her. I change everyday. I am ambiguous. I don't know myself anymore. What do I like? What am I feeling? And the worse part is, I don't even feel the urgency to discover myself. This way I'm gonna be stagnant my entire life. IDK man. I really don't. Maybe when I thought, I wasn't thinking anymore, I am thinking now more than ever? Maybe I am thinking so many things that I have gone crazy? Maybe I know myself too well and with new revelations, I feel like idk myself? I get so angry all the time, but then I am also constantly laughing at my own jokes. I talk to someone, idk who that is and I'm not me when I'm talking to them. Okay, now I got carried away and idk what I'm talking about. The point is, I am too scared to acknowledge that my dreams and expectations are too high, so high that Idk if I could ever achieve them? Maybe that's it. Maybe the only reasons I haven't come to terms with myself is because I am scared of what I really want. idk how to give that to myself. So, i just enter a fantasy land where I don't have to work hard because i've already made it. Does that make sense? idk. Maybe this is all I'll write. I am scared to set this letter to be delivered in 5 years from today. I only hope I am at peace. That's all. Okay, i'm not even gonna reread this letter. I'll stop writing now, set the date for 5 years and then hit send. Okay bye. :) Oh right. I came back. I just wanted to some more things. maybe when you're reading this, you're in our home. Your past self thinks that all my problems will be solved once we have our own home. She really wants privacy. Do you have it? She wants to spend nights alone, 'cause she always has her siblings around her all day. I hope you're well. I really do.