A letter from November 28th, 2020

Dearest 5th-year A, This is very weird; I am your 19-year-old self, is sitting by the window of your bedroom, typing this letter. It was a long day. You attended the online classes for 8 hours. In the afternoon, you went out with the guy you had a crush on in 8th grade, had the best momos in town, and shared a few cigarettes. Going out with him felt like going home after a very long time, standing face to face with the loved ones only to realize how things will never be the way it used to be before. You came home and had three more packets of chips. Little wonder you caught a horrible headache. In a few days, you’ll turn twenty, the teenage days will officially be over. You’ve wasted a huge chunk of your life on academics; I wonder if you are compensating for all of it now. At 19, you were clumsy, often stumbled and fell, but you had dreams—big ones. You listened to Cohen and cried at odd hours. You felt nauseated by the people around you. At times you felt disconnected from reality, and you kept telling yourself, ‘I don’t belong here.’ Intimacy terrified you, and you ended up pushing the ones you care about from your life. You kept falling for the wrong people, and when they left, you felt deserted, scarred to the bones. Do you still look at yourself in the mirror with self-loathing and despair? Do u still have trouble sleeping? Are you in love? Have you found ‘The One’? You know, sometimes I dream about you. I think about the shoulder you rest your head upon when you feel blue. I wonder if you still hang fairy lights in your bedroom and weep over movies and novels. I hope you’re embracing your vulnerabilities and weaknesses, and your flaws don’t tie you down anymore. How are things going on with the family? Dadu passed away this year. Do u remember how he believed in you when everyone else didn’t? He loved you, and you keep wishing he lived months more to see you getting selected in one of the country’s best law schools. I believe wherever he is, you’ve made him proud. Ring ma up sometime if you haven’t. Did amma prepare her special ‘narkel naru’ during Durga pujo? Does little Meethi still memorize math problems? How is Terry, the street dog doing? Law school is a crazy place. It has a separate universe in it. If you are still in college, hopefully, you are, take a bow. If you have survived this, you can survive any apocalypse that comes along. You must have gotten thick nerdy specs and a receding hairline by now. Your 19 years old self isn’t even sure if she is going to pass this semester. You’ll be old when you get this letter. Some of your friends will have gotten married, and some will. Don’t you dare think of settling down! Explore life, go on a solo bike trip once. Please. I hope you travel and see places and make lasting memories before you consider marriage. Oh the fight you had to put up to gain this freedom! Hope the post-pandemic world is treating you well. Five years from now, when you get this, remember the page you are looking at now was once typed by your 19th-year-old self with you in mind. Remember, you are loved. Cheers to a clumsy life, Your 19 years old self.