A letter from November 25th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I won't ask how you are, because I know you are doing fine. Better than fine in fact, you're doing absolutely ******* fantastic. Even if this email catches you off guard and you're crying right now, or in the middle of a stressful life event, perhaps even grieving, that doesn't subtract from the facts: you are just fine. We've spent a long time not being fine, remember? Almost 10 years of our lives has been- well...I don't want to say lost because we were never truly lost, we were just young. Scared. Afraid. Oh god, the fear was all-consuming... Depression and anxiety: such broad terms with broad spectrums. Do you remember conquering them both? Do you remember the moment the last piece of the puzzle fell into place and you went "a-ha! This doesn't have to be forever." 2020, the year of the pandemic, was nothing but kind to us, isn't that strange? But I'm thankful for 2020 as I write this letter, because I have been able to set you up for a better life. In reflection, I remain doubtful about whether 'conquer' is the correct word to describe where I'm at right now with both anxiety and depression. There are still moments I want to die or moments that anxiety leaves me unable to eat or sleep or breathe, but I'm better equipped with how to manage those moments. How is therapy? Are you going yet? Or are you too proud and stuck up to be vulnerable and ask for help still? If you're not in therapy yet, then do your past self a favour and book an appointment right after reading this. You deserve the help. You deserve to be able to cry and not feel guilt or shame. You deserve the help you need in order to move forward. "Psh, I'm great, past me doesn't understand but I'm doing so great that I don't need therapy." If this is your response, please reconsider you stubborn dumb ***** xD Okay, we will get back to that stuff , but let's ask the fun stuff: did you reach 65kg? Are you maintaining it? Don't feel bad if you haven't been able to, but hey, how about getting back to looking after your body? Working out makes you feel incredible remember? So does wearing gym clothes. Are you dating? No, scratch that, have you had your first date, kiss, and boyfriend yet? I'm gonna assume that's a yes because with NYE approaching, I'm gonna be mad if we gotta spend the next 5 NYE without a kiss at midnight gurl. I guess it's up to me to ensure you're not alone for ******* ever so don't worry. I gotchu. Have you fallen in love? Wow, I just realised that maybe you ARE in love while reading this, maybe you're even engaged or married (and we both know you're not the marriage sort of girl). That's crazy to think. If so, who's the guy? Is he a hopeless romantic like you? Needy and spontaneous? Hahaha, I can't imagine the man who falls for our sappy cancer ***. How's Suga? Still a needy brat? How's working in Human Services? Do you enjoy it? Omg! Wait, the most important question of all is: HOW WAS KOREA? And BTS? How was seeing our biggest inspirations in life on stage? Was the concert and post-concert depression intense? Lol. These questions might be overwhelming but interpret it as me being excited for my future. I don't want to ******* die anymore, and I'm not going to joke about it anymore. No more "**** me" or "let's jump off a bridge" kinda jokes and banter because I don't mean them. It's strange because quips like those have become as natural to me as breathing. I'm wired to say them, only now, I don't mean them. So, I'm starting to re-wire my direction of speech towards statements that DO reflect me because I really really really want to live now. No more pushing away people I love and losing friends because of it. I hope you haven't fallen back into old habits. You love people. We both know that. You love them so ******* much so hold them close and embrace the good and bad times, the life-long bonds and dramatic falling-outs; be human. Just be unapologetically human. I love you you awesome beautiful majestic woman. 💜💜 seeyou in 5 years xx