A letter from November 19th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I’m 22 I feel lonely I feel redundant Silly almost Feels like it doesn’t matter these small things, meditating, exercising.. I can’t get myself to keep it together when i don’t have people around me to care about. I want to do more and be more I want to take risks I want to be loud I want to be smart I want to be life energy I want to be curious I’d like to be confident I’d like to be inspired and inspiring I’m living in the same bubble these days, but where do i go from here I want a relationship, romantic relationship. But i have no idea what I’m looking for. All i know is that i want something real, beautiful, and magic. Something that makes me come alive, makes me realize all the parts of life and of myself i was neglecting. I want to live boldly. I want to live life for myself. I know that people who live life for themselves help people in the process. I want to be happy with this present moment, and trust the process of life. And you know what, I’m starting to I think right now being in Sweden is right. I think its good to be on my own. I’m so easily influenced, wanting to please the people i love, though really the people i love will of course be happiest when I’m happy and living for me. Meeting Clara was right, its part of closing the gap between the past and the present Yes CLOSING THE GAP BETWEEN THE PAST AND THE PRESENT. Also Clara has opened my eyes to this creativity that flows through me and my life and always has. It’s something that I’ve barley explored. I want to, Something that i feel really holds me back, is still caring what people think. I could be in my room reading a book or painting, and if i hear someone doing something outside, ill feel like they’re talking about me or judging me. **** how **** silly is that. Constantly where ever i go, i feel like people are talking about me. God i need to stop with that. So what maybe they are. They don’t know your journey, your path, cool they’ll talk about you, and that’s it, they’ll move on. I’m so scared of being abandoned and i just HAVE to get over that Comparing comparing comparing. I mean come onnn, that is just out of the question at this point. Your different, she’s different, he’s different, we ALL are. That’s what makes this life so beautiful. So ******* stop. You can admire certain traits, but we all have flaws, and we are all on our own unique journeys for a reason Social media is toxic and it is all about comparison. I think if you are in a good space it can be a fun, and liberating form of creative expression, but only in small doses, and again IF you are in a good space, high vibration, and just know its probably going to lower your vibration Be aware that there are things in day to day life that Lower your vibration, becoming aware of this is crucial. It is also crucial to become aware of the things that can HIGHER YOUR VIBRATION Meditating, letting your higher self, your inner child, or different parts speak and communicate with you, give them space Journaling, like what I’m doing now, not really thinking about what I’m writing, just letting all the **** come out. Yoga, moving your body, sweating in any way, but especially intuitive yoga, or dance where you just let your body move however it craves, feels, and needs to move or be. Learning about something new, having an engaging conversation Reading a book Making music or art Being in nature Practicing gratitude Any form of self love, taking care of your skin, making yourself a meal, repeating healing affirmations, When it comes to my future.. i do want to study I know i can do it I’m being honest with myself And you know what I’m gonna text that therapist back I’m not one hundred percent sure what i want to study All i know is that I’m really not a big fan of being at institutions I think i probably developed a sort of phobia in high school and it makes me feel really stuck and also dumb for some reason. Feels like i have to be a specific type of person to study at a school I think it’d be silly not to get the credits that i got from Uri and transfer them to wherever i end up going Just realized that Stockholm is still totally an option I love Stockholm, but i think it freaks me out how cool everyone is, and how everyone knows eacother, and id feel caustrophobic there, and feel like I wouldn’t meet my people, id be overwhelmed and intimidated by all the cool kids. Wow i dont think I’ve ever written anything so honest and real. Cool. Lund could be really great too. Cons are what a dang small city it is. It’s tiny. Also seems kind of stuck up, not very creative, or cultural Pros are that Skåne is a really beautiful area, water sports are definitely something I could partake in. Also fun that its so close to Copenhagen. Student life is also really big here. But deep down i have this belief that I couldn’t ever really be a part of that. Well what do i want to study What is something that i could get curious about Art Marine biology History Spanish Communications Religion Environmental sciences Sustainability Fashion Design Ill study something, hopefully get inspired, hopefully meet new people and be open to new people and new ideas leading me new places I'll continue to make art Continue to read To grow my mind To be fit and healthy Then after maybe ill decide to travel Maybe there will be an internship that’s exciting and ill do that Maybe there will be an amazing job opportunity that i just get so thrilled about, maybe i will have met someone, and i will go on an adventure with them!! There are so many places i want to go So many adventures i want to live So many things i want to do But i have to trust that there will be time and opportunity for all of it I will grow, and venture deeper in to meet myself in order to do it all But the only way for that to happen is to be content, grounded, and present in this moment. To have faith that this is the process, this is the journey, to feel grateful for all the blessings on their way and the blessing that is this very present moment The unbounded, endless magic, life, and love, of this very moment. WHAT DO I WANT MY LIFE TO LOOK LIKE I want love like in “ a love story” Love and adventure like in “breathe” I want collective creativity I want movement and breath I want stormy weather I want nature I want beauty I want love love love Passion I don’t want to just survive, i want to truly live - I want to be vulnerable I want to feel I want to give I want to be there for someone I want a group of friends that feel like family I want genuine moments, moments of life and unconditional love with friends and family I want thrilling adventures I want quiet peace and warmth I want connection most of all, more than anything I swear I’m turning into a worry wart, because I’m actually starting to really care. I really want to be good. I’m here. I’m ready. I want to be happy and confident and living and giving. Ive got to let myself come ALIVE Here i sit behind my computer screen, but goddamnit I’ve got to do something!!!!