A letter from November 19th, 2020

I am not Marcus Aurelius. I am not Thomas Mann. I am not Nietzsche. I am me, but: what does it mean? "Who am I?", "why am I here?", "why do I do what I do?", "why do I like what I like?". These questions have been moving me around for far longer than I can remember. They were, thou, not unanswered. There was a time when I was a poet. Another when I was a salesman. Once I've being in Belo Horizonte because I wanted some fresh air. Then I went back to São Paulo because I missed "my city". All that "being" and "because" were true when they were true. All of them fit when I needed them. And them all changed because I need to change. Somehow, I feel this inward impulse, as if my heart beats depended on it. Somewhat, I am change. Sometimes I say to myself "I don't know what to write about; I don't have what to say", but that is a lie. I lie because I'm scared. Scared of being unimportant because I don't give importance to byproducts of life. But I do care about living. I don't give a **** about tech, marketing, sales, money, fame, trends... But I give a lot of damns about how such things relate to human experience. I give higher value to expression and interaction in life than I do to whatever else. Hence, that's why writing, acting, filming, dancing and painting are so important to me. Such are not fuel to my life. But means for my living. This is what I should've been writing about: beauty, perception and expression, the brain and the conscious, the body and the movement, learning and teaching, thinking, philosophy, deciding, values and virtues, writing and reading, loving and being. I should write about the human experience and my experience as a human. --- I wrote this letter to myself intending to take a move. A risky move, in my perspective of that time. To write online. I tried and failed many times before writing this letter. The moment when I'm typing these words, I still feel the weight of that failure. It's still bitter to tast. But I failed because I never tried enough. I never give enough energy, enough time, neither I had the right state of mind to pursue such a high goal. Suddenly, thou (and I'm the only one who knows it was not sudden at all), something changed in me. 2020 changed me, or I started changing in 2020. It's recent that the path I'm taking is still blurred. I know something is different. But what, how or where is this difference is leading me to: I have no clue. So I decided to write this e-mail. Hoping that 5 years from now, all of this will me no more that a funny joke. See you, future me. =)