A letter from November 17th, 2020

Love? It's something i always have dreamt of having. I always crave for it ever since. Maybe because my parents were always busy with work so i got stuck with my grandparents (but that doesn't mean that they didn't love me, I'm just seeking for some parental love so it's never been enough for me) and titas. They never failed showering me with it but i still seek for more. When i started school, it's never been easy for me earning friends. I am an observant type of a person so i just tend to sit down alone and observe how people enjoy each other's company. I'm not sure if that scenario had been my turning point to actually being jealous of not having that kind of relationship since i was too young that time. But when my parents enrolled me at a different school by grade 1 i thought of it as a chance for a new start- to start gaining friends. And that was what i did. I befriended almost everyone because i thought that was something admiring to see. You, having many friends. But i was wrong. Very wrong. That habit of mine lasted for how many years until i saw some kids only having a single or two but are genuinely happy more than i do. That's the time i started asking myself why I don't feel that way when i had all means? When i have many more friends than them? So i decided to cut off those i really didn't get along well and just focused on the ones i am most happy spending time with. But that, still, didn't make any change. I still feel incomplete. I still feel lonely. Not until i turned 12. I was in highschool that time, 8th grade specifically, when i met the very first person i can call my bestfriend. I thought being a friend with someone means being with them most of the time, sharing all of your secrets, being with them thru their ups and their down and giving them the sunshine. But she proved me wrong. That i still am deserving to be called her best friend even though i couldn't comply all those. That i am just a human and we tend to make mistakes and have shortcomings. And those wouldn't change the fact that i am her friend and that she is my friend. Things never go smoothly since it is her and me and we were just never meant to be near to each other cuz were like the fire and the ice. But we still are. We still tried. But maybe we tried so hard that we lost the lustre of our own since we became dependent on each other. Maybe i got too close to her that i almost bring down her fire due to my coldness. Maybe i lost my pace and started getting in her way causing her to be blinded on her track. I am sorry. I really am. I didn't and never meant to do that. We decided to part ways to shine again, this time independently. I am still waiting for the day that we will be on parallel lines again. That even tho our paths will never cross, i still get the chance to be right beside you, as you walk through achieving your dreams and everything you wanted to become. Take your time, I'll also take mine. I love you and i always do. Till we meet again. Paul.You were the tall chubby white with a question-mark-like ears that has a rich kid aura church boy. I was always curious about you, but i was never interested on knowing you more. The processions, church assemblies, masses, and other gathering moments with me stealing glances on you had it for me haha. We have encountered many times but it is only me who pay attention for all those so i was able to reminisce it (oh those silly times!). Anyways, i officially met you when we have shared the same class the same year i have met my bestfriend. We were 12, 8th grade highschoolers. I was so short that time( i still am) and you were soooooo tall. We were never close, i never talk to you cuz why should i? But things started to change when i got a little crush on your friend that emerge to something serious (*I feel like imma puke right this moment** ewww) and you are offering your help to get me close to him. And so i grabbed the opportunity but things with me and him were just not meant to be fulfilled whatever. But that didn't stop us from talking and eventually being friends with each other. Until you confessed that you have a feelings for me. I can clearly remember that scene cause that was so funny because my initial reply was a casual "thank you". You were caught off guard expecting some exaggerated response from me cause i tend to overreact most of the times lol. But that didn't happen. I just casually thanked you and shrugged the thought off since I don't wanna create an awkward atmosphere around us. And you also do the same. You accepted that you hold no chance of me. Well, maybe. We stayed friends till we were on tenth grade. Last year as a junior. But the way i see you changed in just one night. That one freaking ball night! I have no plans on attending that school ball since I'm not a party goer and any music sounds a lullaby to me so i can just doze off to sleep wherever but since our teacher told us that it has some incentive, i consider going. You patiently waited until i made a decision and give it a go. You even wait me at our school's front gate! And the very moment our eyes met, i felt a tingling sensation all throughout my body. Idk. I never felt that. And i feel like everything's been on a slow motion and there are butterflies (or maybe the whole **** zoo lol) on my stomach (or prolly jut bc I'm hungry and i just wanted to make things magical so i over contemplated everything? Idk.) However, that was the only interaction we had since we enjoyed ourselves with diff circle of people. But then there's this one mellow song you have decided to grab a dance with me, and i agreed. We were so awkward making movements since our friends kept taking photos and shipping us that make us uncomfortable, so as the song ended, our dance also ended. And i got home. I never knew that things will start through that **** dance and ball. I admitted to myself that i grew a little crush on you but i never said it to you, only to my friends, and yeah thanks to their mouths, the news came flashing right in front of you psh. But yeah, ever since then we decided to see each other. And that's where and how things started. We never were in a relationship but we were a thing. You were so scared of my dad so you never can't take the risk that i am willing to take. It's fine, at first. Things went smoothly. You were the most ideal partner i could ever ask for. You were a gentleman, you took good care of me, ask me every time if i am fine, do things even though i am not asking, offers a hand in times that i feel like I can't get a hold of them all, cheered me up on time i feel like giving up, and most importantly you always fed me lol-you always cook lunch and snack for me cause you know how hectic it is for me to even have time to eat so you always make sure that i am full. And i also think i treated you the same one way or another. A year have passed, we were almost reaching 2 years of becoming a thing, JUST A THING, when i opened the topic again of being officially together. You were so happy about that thought, but you're answer was still the same. That you still don't have something to prove to my dad so you could be deserving of me. I understood your reason, i thought so. But i started to create a gap between us. And summer's also making it difficult for you to reach me out. But you still patiently wait till the time you can see me again and settle things. Though you already knew that things were starting to get vauge and i am slowly drifting away(not really, i only make it look that way to see if that would alarm the hell out of you but it didn't) and you already have a hint that if we talked i might end things there and that it is now irrevocable so you just delayed it from happening. It's never what i wanted. The day we talked, i wanted you to hold unto us, i wanted you to take the risk with me but you didn't. You have no intention on doing that so in the first place. So to save your pride, i just made it looked like you were too good for me. That you should also focus on yourself more that you do on mine. And you accepted that reason. Never really trying to figure out the real deal. But it was fine. Right now, Paul, you were still holding on to the memories of us, and all the what ifs. But i gotta tell you that you don't have to drown yourself with our past and just move on. I am trying to do the same and i can say that I'm seeing progress. It's never meant to be easy but this is the most (less) painful way. I wanna tell you that i no longer want to do things with you. I mean there's no coming back. What's done is done. What has been ended is already gone. I loved you, but i love myself more now... To the two of you, thank you to the great memories you have given me. I will forever cherish those. But i also wanted to take this to let y'all know that i wanted to make new ones now. But without feeling guilty and not holding myself back cause i always think of you two. I hope you understand. I always wish you the best and hope you do the same to me :)) I'm setting myself free now from the ghosts of you guys, it may not be the most excellent decision to make but it is the one i can see as what is the best for me. :)