A letter from November 13th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, To my future self: Hi! You wrote this email in macy's pc. Nagtratrabaho ka pa kay concentrix neto, it's November 13, 2020 to be exact. Masama loob mo, masama loob mo sa parents mo kasi lagi kang inaaway ng papa mo. Lagi ka nyang binibitawan nang mga masasakit na salita. Kesyo pokpok ka daw, malandi ka daw, at kung ano ano pa. Mama mo naman pinagdadamutan ka, pero di ka naman madamot sa kanila. Bakit sila ganyan? Bakit ka nila ginaganyan? Kasalanan mo bang hindi ka lumaki sa kanila? Kasalanan mo bang nagkulang sila sayo? Alam mo, minsan gusto mo naring sumuko. Gusto mo nalang tapusin yung buhay mo. How many times have u tried to hang yourself? How many times have you tried overdosing yourself with antibiotics and other drugs? You even took an expired pill, diba? Pero, wala e. You vomitted. Hindi kinaya ng tyan mo? How many times have u tried to **** urself? You silently **** yourself when you starve. And you are aware of it. Hindi ka comfortable nang gutom, and you can't think appropriately. But you still continue to do it. Kakain ka lang if u can't handle the pain anymore? Nahihiya ka sa mama mo manghingi ng pangkain? Given na nagtratrabaho ka para sainyo. Years ago, namromroblema ka pa kung pano mo mairaraos ang college life mo. You were 19 at that time. Pano ka nga ba makakapagaral if nagkaroon ng pandemic? How will u be able to pursue law school if u can't even pursue just ur undergrad? How unfair life is? You wanted to become a doctor before, remember? You remember how your mommy noe had a heart attack. You remember all the pain. But then, it was also your last years in first year high school when u realized u wanted to become like your mommy noe, you want the same profession as she was when she's still alive. So, you promised yourself that u will become an accountant. And it was ur 9th grade when ur uncle told u that ur chosen degree program is actually a nice pre-law. And by the tik of a clock, you want to make a lawyer of yourself. Pero mahirap e no? Hirap ka na. Naprepressure ka na. Bakit ka nga ba naprepressure? Kasi gusto mo na makaalis, as soon as possible. Gusto mo na umalis dito. Diba? Ayaw mo nang maranasan yung mga bagay na nararanasan mo ngayon. Ayaw mo na mahirapan. Nahihirapan ka nang pigain. Ayaw mo nang makarinig ng mga masasakit na salita. Ayaw mo nang matawag ng mga bagay na hindi naman naging ikaw. You were thinking if u could get over this. Kung kakayanin mo pa bang tumuloy. After several suicide threats, as of this date, you're still alive, but barely breathing. You decided to send this now, same date, after 5 years, November 13, 2025. You want to ask yourself how you are doing, today? Kamusta ka na nga ba, Toni? Ikaw padin ba yan? Buhay ka pa ba? Or you successfully did all your ***** plans? Seems impossible, pero if buhay ka pa, I hope you are still studying. I hope you did not stop on your plan into entering the legal world. Nakalimutan mo na ba lahat? Diba kaya ka naging callcenter kasi malaki - laki yung sahod? Makakapagipon ka? Sana by now, natututo ka na. Sana by this time, di mo na binibigay lahat. Ikaw kasi yung kawawa e. Ikaw yung mahihirapan, hindi naman sila. Sana by this time, you finally learned how to say no. So, did you? This is also the time when u asked dom if he wants to run away with you. Yes, you are that desperate to go 5 years ago. So? What happened? :) Just to remind you when u are already at the point of giving up. You will happen, attorney. The CPA suffix and the Atty. prefix will god**** happen. You just have to ******* believe in yourself. You are all grown up, be resposible. Mommy Noe loves you and she believes in you, Okay? God bless you, your past self 11/13/2020