A letter from November 11th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It's your 3rd "*****" anniversary. You might get scared reading this as the memories came back but I know you can handle it better than before. Trust me, I am you. Uh, I can't believe it's been that long since you decided to end your life but failed to do so. I wonder how long would you still hang on. Will you ever read this if I set the date 5 years from now? Are you still alive by then? If yes, I have a message from me to you. It's okay if you can't remember most of your childhood memories, maybe it's because of the trauma. You didn't choose to forget, your brain just protected you. I hope you'll keep grounded whenever random awful memory flashes through your mind. You had a rough childhood so I wish you found time to do things you wanted to do as a child. Go and buy the sand truck and shovel your mother refused to buy you. Go wear those cute skirts and little red dress you wish to wear if it weren't for people harassing you. Go buy those coloring books and bed time story books you didn't have because they made you work on the early age. Play outside and visit playgrounds and parks. Make sure you do all this before you die or else you'll be reincarnated again (i read this somewhere) and we don't want that. I hope you are eating your meals on time and make sure it is healthy because all your teenage life was spent starving yourself for the reasons 1.) you pressured yourself to eat less just to have the 'society-accepted-body' when you are already thin and 2.) you usually forgot to eat because you don't feel hunger. I hope you're drinking enough water because you used to drink 2 glasses (maximum) and sometimes you don't drink at all and that is worrisome. Take a bath regularly, sure you don't stink but the dirt sticks. More importantly, please sleep and don't go on your day without having any for days. Are you seeing a therapist now? I hope yes because back then you keep seeing and hearing things, right? And no one believed you and just settled with the reason that "you have a broad imagination". I hope you're not resulting anymore to self harm when things get bad for you, we had enough of that. Don't beat yourself for making poor decisions in life. Don't regret regrets. You already waste so much time and potential that should have develop if you weren't feeling depressed. Well, if you are still alive... focus on writing poem and creating arts, I believe you loved those things once and you'll get the same burning passion again-- or better yet more intense. If you are still alive and reading this please celebrate because you are lucky to reach this point in life. It means that even if you want to give up you still find things that makes you go on. You believe that something good will eventually happen and I can't express how proud I am to you. You did it. You can make better memories now. ( I am going to set this on public just in case I do not make it and I think at the least I'll be at peace knowing someone read this for me. I'm sorry.)