A letter from November 9th, 2020

Hello, i don’t know who i am writing this to. I am just SO overwhelmed with life and its 4.56 am and there is no one i can speak to. I am failing. I am failing everything. I don’t even know man. I dont know what the **** i am doing with my life. I am taking this course for the second time. The first time, i failed. This time, i did not listen to the lectures, did not submit the quizes, did not do the homeworks, did not study. And the midterm is in 3.5 hours. I hate my ******* self. I am going to fail this class AGAIN and i am going to have to wait another year (if i can manage to stay in school) and fail again for sure. I dont ******* know. I hate my ******* life. I am failing everything. I am unable to speak and think. I am a ******* plant. And tomorrow i have two other midterms and the conditions are the same with those too. **** ME. I don’t know if these are going to be important when i read this few years after. **** me. I don’t even know if i will survive few years. I hate myself. I am the biggest idiot. I don’t know how to **** to fix this. **** **** **** **** **** ****. Maybe i should jump in front of a car so i can get injured and not attend the midterm. That is my best chance. Too bad i can’t do that. **** me man. Life is SO HARD. I am unable to communicate with other humans. I don’t have any friends except my two old friendst. I am so unhappy. I don’t know how to fix this. This is the lowest point of my life. And i don’t see it getting better. I am going to **** up my grades. I HATE MY LIFE. I want to cry so bad. Everyone else is doing better than me. My family always told to me how smart and talented i was while growing up. That was a ******* lie. I am the lowest form of human. **** me. I don’t know what to do. Seriously. I am not suicidal or anything. But ı honestly don’t know what the **** to do with my life. My country sucks. I am too weak. I hate myself. Why can’t i just be a genius? Everything would be so easy. Just why? Why can’t i be SMART AS ****. **** me man. How can i even vent to someone without being a drag? I am in such a bad place, this is impossible. All i have is me. ****. I don’t know if i have ever felt so bad in my life. I never learn. I do the same mistakes over and over. I am a ******* plant. I am a ******* cockroach. I have everything i need to be happy but i MANAGE TO **** IT UP by not doing anything. I am a lazy ****. I sit on my *** all day. I ruined my life by being lazy. No one wants to speak with me because i am so boring. I ******* hate myself. I don’t know what the **** to do with my life. Writing this definitely did not help. Anyways, i think i am going to send this to my future self. I am pretty sure you still suck man. Then why bother sending? Yeah, if i send this to my future self, that would mean i have some hope for the future. I don’t ******* deserve it. I don’t deserve hope. But i am still sending this because nothing matters. I AM A HUGE DISAPPONTMENT.