A letter from November 6th, 2020

dear future me, i hope you remembered and moved on. 11:50 p.m, september 18 this is the most awaited day of my schoolmate for the past 6 years, his birthday. he is celebrating his day turning a decade and a half and im sure he is enjoying with his celebration right now. i havent greeted him happy birthday the rest of the day because i dont want to. things started cool when we were in third grade. we were a pair in our play by mary howitt. i had a crush on him. i fell hard. deeply hard. it feels like whenever you hear his name, you had butterflies in your stomach. you imagined yourself on the wedding day, holding a bouquet of flowers and throwing it later to the bridesmaids who's gonna marry the love of their life in the future. fast forward, in sixth grade i thought of having chances ending up with him only because he laughs at my jokes everytime. i was thinking "im cool with being the class clown even though im a girl. i dont really mind." not only that boy laughed at my jokes but the whole class. and it feels really wholesome. during graduation, both of us got fourth honorable mention. i had random thoughts at the back of my head. there's this sudden realization saying that i am not worth it. i have 0% chance of ending up with him. everyone in my batch thinks that im weird and pretentious and he even knows that i have a crush on him since fifth grade but he did not like me back. because i am really pretentious. finally, im in high school!!! i personally asked him before graduation where does he like to study in high school and he said in a science school. i decided to tell my mom that i'll be studying there too because i want quality education even though i just want to see him everyday. in sixth grade, i really cannot imagine myself having crushes other than him in high school. i cannot imagine myself hugging other man. at some point you just think out of the blue and tell yourself "you're really a freak sometimes." my mom asked me for assurance. she interrogated me if im really sure studying in there because students are way intelligent and special there than private or public school students. they are more privileged and they get allowances every month in exchange for sleepless nights doing thesis, tears causing low scores and anxiety. i know what im doing. im going to pursue my dream. i know it would be a challenge for me but trust me, i wont let you down. etc. etc. so on and so forth and then i passed the qualifying exams and interview. first year high school, first grading it was hard at first but the teachers gave us adjustments to deal with the hardships we encounter. he also passed the entrance exams and currently studying in here too but he is in the other section. we were pretty close because only the five of us from our prev. school entered this prestigious school. we were too shy at first to make friends with the other batchmates so the only option we have is to be close with each other. yes we were really close to the point that we exchange calculators every physics, borrow lab gowns every chemistry and chasing each other for hours because were done of all the corny jokes were throwing at each other. as friends, is it normal or were more than friends? we dont even know. all we know is there's something between us. fast forward, i stopped talking to him because i was afraid of commitment. i said i'll give it a chance, just talk to me and everything will be normal. im just asking for one freaking sign. but he didn't because he did not want to. nothing special happened for the past one year he was just shipped with random girls and i cried so i'll just skip it. but this quarantine, she chatted me begging for forgiveness. because him and her ended up with each other. my best friend for how many years ended up with the love of my life for almost a decade. at first i just laughed because i expected this was going to happened. i found clues beforehand. but as a friend, i want whats happy for my bestfriend. i have no right to meddle with their relationship. i want you to reminsce what you've felt last five years. you're already nineteen and a senior high school student. im so proud of you. i mean if you'll die hahahahahahaha aight imma head out. adios.