A letter from November 5th, 2020

Dear me in 5 years, how are you? Has your soul found its place? A solace? I hope it has for life right now is like a boat on a stormy sea. I am in an intersection of life, where a single decision might define my future, our future. The more i think about it, the more i realize that I've been straying further and further from what we dreamed. But the thing is, I am not sure what our dreams are or were. It feels like I am on the outside looking in on my own life, watching me reenact a script of which I didn't choose. Sometimes I think it's better just to die. Maybe it is better. Who knows. But, I don't want to inflict my pain upon my parents and sister and people who care about me. It's unfair for them. Not, that there are many people who care about me though. I am really a waste of space and time. Why do I even bother trying? I am a failure. I am exhausted. I want to go.