A letter from November 3rd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, So....you're 20 now. I hope you left our hometown already. Seriously. This place is a ******* ********. I hate everyone and everything about here. I just feel so miserable. I'm 15 and people my age are already going out and partying. Some of them aren't even virgins anymore for god's sake. I haven't even had my first kiss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I sound so bratty but seriously how the ACTUAL ****. They actually have a life. Unlike me. ha. I'll admit jealousy is one of the reasons I wanna leave, together with the traumas aand well. you know. I wonder if there is a teenager out there who's more antisocial than me. I don't even have a personal insta, even though I'm pretty asf. Like how. I have 7 friends who are just as antisocial as me(jk i'm worse bc they have social media except for 2 who are internet famous so comparing to me who's got no irl or social media presence.....) And because of corona I don't have school so I just spend all day doing nothing. While there are people dating. And having fun. I just feel so depressed. Sometimes I can't get out of bed. But I don't wanna worry mom, so I force myself to eat and say nothing. The worst is that I know I could be something if I tried. I swear I'm not being arrogant even though I might sound like it, but let's be real, I'm tall, funny and naturally blonde. I know for a fact guys at my school had crushes on me. I could have a social life. If only I wasn't so scared. I'm so scared of opening up. I don't want to be judged. So I keep my distance and lock myself up; It's just easier. I feel trapped here. So I'm writing this to be hopeful and to not give up my life now, because I wish to be happy someday. I hope you are. If you're not happy just please say you at least have a social life, friends that invite you to stuff, at least an ex boyfriend and experience. If you 're out of here and have this, that's enough for your past self. I hope you look back at this and laugh. Please check on these people from your hometown. There's just something satisfying about then getting pregnant/ married early, not being successful or simply never leaving this place. I hope they are like this. It's horrible but some of them are probably dead or sick, considering the amount of drug and alcohol use. I know you won't judge this. You might be ok now but c'mon, I doubt you stopped being a *****. Enjoy life for your poor teenage self. Thanks. I LOVE YOU