A letter from October 30th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I hope this time you found what you really want to do, I hope you found your purpose. At alam ko din, kapag nabasa mo to, limot mo na ang mga oras na tinatype mo tong sulat para sayo, but I want you to remember how you've been dying to know what's your purpose, how your anxiety about your future attacking you silently and leaving you scars, how you struggling to win the war that's inside your head, I know it's not always happy in your head that time, but I do really hope that you find what you seek. My future self, I want you to remember how you treat yourself these past few years, you keep doubting your capabilities, you don't love yourself, you have trust issues, you feel like everybody will betray you, you are an overthinker, you hurting yourself too much, pero sa lahat nang to, nanatili kang matapang, ni hindi mo nga maipakita sakanila na nasasaktan ka, ni hindi mo maamin sakanila na sa kabila nang masaya mong mukha, may nagtatagong lungkot sa puso mo. Isa kang impostor. Impostor nang sarili mong nararamdaman, ayaw mo ipakita sakanila na mahina ka, you always put a mask on when you're around them, you appear a happy woman, and a happy-go-lucky one, a woman that has no problems, but little did they know, when the night comes, and you're alone, that woman disappeared, and then there's this little girl, who just want to be loved, to be appreciated, to be worth dying for. One more thing, you want to die. That time, when you're alone, you had suicidal thoughts, you want to disappear, you want to run and leave the place you are in right at that moment. You want to **** what's inside you, the pain, those monsters, they don't want you to be happy, that's why they keep pestering you, and they always won, you keep them, your treat them like your friend, but they always betray you, so you always ended up being alone. But in all of this negativity, you always choose to live your life, you always want happiness to everyone even you can't find it in yourself. They say "You need to make yourself happy first in order to make everyone happy as well", I don't believe in that. I can say, I'm a sad *****, but I can make people happy, cause I don't want them to suffer what I had to suffer every single day, I will do whatever just to make sure they're happy being with me even though they don't see what I'm going through. You have a wild soul, but you conceal it, you don't want to feel it, kasi iniisip mo ang sasabihin nang ibang tao sayo kapag inilabas mo ang totoong ikaw, ang totoong nararamdaman nang puso mo, what people's opinion are that matters to you, you set aside your own for them, and I hope in this future, you learn how to value yourself, I hope you're free now, I hope what's others opinion are not your responsibility anymore, I really hope you're running wild now, be a ***** with a heart. - your old self, xoxo