A letter from October 24th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I already started this ******* letter once but it was on incognito mode so I need to strat the **** over. God**** it. I'm choosing five years so you'll be 18 now. Or I'll be. God it'll be deppressing to read this when I'm 18. Really puts into porspective how young I am now huh. Ok so what's up right now. Im doing this because of a girl on tiktok she made me aware of this website so I'm doing this (for the second ******* god**** time **** it) I cussed a lot less in my first one. Ok so it's Saturday October 24 at 1:04 am. It's night and I'm texting this on my phone with my rapidly cramping fingers while the washing machine whirs in the background. We just moved to Tennessee a few weeks ago and I haven't gone outside once. God I sound like a coming of age novel. Hopefully I've come of age by now. If not the tragic backstory is really getting too long. I hope to God none of the shot I'm going through is symbolism. I refuse to be symbolism for you you *****. Yes if you are wondering I am a ***** at 13. Tonight was the night where I had a small breakdown, realized again what a horrible person I was (you know the many things I'm referring to don't pretend you don't hopefully there aren't too many more by now) and made a cute google doc about 'do better try harder, I'm proud of you, I love you' btw I edited this tab to look at the document and it almost closed and when I tell you I almost got a rush of anger so bad I almost threw my phone across the ******* room. I probably would have quit I'm not doing this **** for a third time. Anyways after I made that cute document, screeshotted it, and drew tiny little rainbows on it all while muttering encouraging words of congratulations to myself staunchly refusing to be mean (that failed after a good ten minutes didn't it) I went on the one and only thing that yes me anything nice anymore. Google. Yes I am a dramatic little **** deal with it old woman. If your dissapointed by the letter you get since it's obviously written by 'a spoiled stupid pre teen' you can go rub at wrinkles on your face or something you ugly toad. For your information right now you have an incredibly large ego, you think you are gods gift to earth, and along with a significant amount of mental illnesses (yes I'm self diagnosing bc we're too por for an actual diagnosis and what does it matter anyways since the only person I'm 'bragging' to about it is MY ******* SELF. really, after talking to myself constantly and walking around my room mouthing words to myself for so long my legs are tired and my mouth is dry, talking to myself for hours straight, not remembering **** about ****, and having a literal therapist in my head that I talk to, (probably going to talk to her about this later too btw you are not exampt from stacy.) (No she's not my ******* imaginary freind stfu at least I'm self aware which is better than you mf) you would think writing a letter to my future self would be a healthier way of getting things off my chest but instead I just end up peppering my letter with insults while getting off topic. What was I even talking about. Ah yes my unhealthy coping mechanisms. Well, working 24/7 isn't good, going on tiktok 8+ hours a day to escape, not going outside in months, barely taking to my family, not showing any real emotions to my family, ✨maladaptive daydreaming✨, crying about wanting a real dad at night, litterally tearing up at a motivational meme saying I'm proud of you. (That was tonight btw right after I finished the be a better person document). And probably loads of others I cant think of at the moment because it's 1 ******* am and my hands are cramping and my eyes hurt. It's the corona virus thing rn btw. Elections in two weeks. Pray to god biden wins. Before you ask I'm not religious I personally identify as agnostic right now. That period in my life where I obsessed about dieing 24/7 and wasn't able to sleep for hours just staring at the ceiling pondering my own mortality and existence ended like a year ago btw. Now I'm just sorta apathetic to it. It's sorta concerning but idrc. My hands ******* hrut god**** it. You better be thankful and gain enlightment or some **** from this or something because I did not stay up writing this **** for you to be deppressed about how old you are and wasted opportunities and ****. Tbh if you are reading this if this **** of a website actually worked and I actually finished and sent it I'm honestly surprised you have the same email address and I'm surprised you don't **** yourself yet. I can't imagine being 18. I'd rather **** myself if I'm being honest. There is still so much I want to say but my hands hurt so I'm taking a ten minute break. I have learned from my mistake and this time I'm saving this ****. I'm not doing this again ************. I think I'll record this over a span of a week. That'll probably be enough to wrote down anything I want to say. No second chances and all. I can imagine you being 18 and just reading thiswith all sort of negative thoughts about me. Or maybe positive. Whatever you have to think just know that I've thought about them all so I'm very self aware. And you can't even tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about because I have litterally spent years just thinking about this. Talking to yourself for hours is surprisingly good for self reflecting. Anyways what was I taking about. Right so I teared up at the meme saying I'm proud of you and a singular tear rolled down my cheek very artistically if I may say so myself. It rolled from my right eye so do with that information what you will. I went on snapchat because I was sure I must have looked like a tragic work of art right then. Spoiler alert I didn't so. Yea. I moved to Tennessee two weeks ago. My room isn't unpacked.mybtable with all my school's supplies and **** is there and so is my bed but nothing's else really. It's big my room I mean. It's nice. My google document said to be thankful for things so I guess I'm thankful I have a big room. I know all that **** about the struggles of others don't decrease or imvadate yours but I still feel like **** for complaining about petty things like that I guess. Don't get me wrong. I probably shouldn't have out that's sentence there. I am not a good person. Don't think i am. I know I'm probably violating that documents rule of not talking bad about yourself or being mean to yourself. I've done ****** things and I don't necessarily regret them. If I could go back to those times I would have done the same things over again. And it's not even for some noble reason like some relistic fiction novel. I just find joy in putting others down so I can feel better than them. That's bassically me in a sentence. Or at least the main reason for me doing bad things. I revel in the power imblance. It's like that in all areas. I want to feel better than everyone else so I take advanced classes. Last year was the first I want taking the highest level and I hated it. It was evodn highest but I hated the fact that they were doing something I wasn't. It was seventh grade so it really doesn't matter all that much I guess but still. *******,I get off on power imblance, I'm a kninky *****. And btw ik I'm talking to my eighteen year old self but I'm going to take a break from that for a second. And I know if I'm reading this when I'm eighteen I'm going to be all types of affronted but immina need you to sit down and hush for a second ok. Shush not everything is about you. Hey, I know this is a letter to my future self website but I am going to publish this anonymously so maybe someone else can appreciate the hard and tragic life and story of a stupid *****. So right now I am a minor so disclaimer if that makes you uncomfy you can get the **** off right now. Goodbye you weak *******. Obviously I'm not going to spend paragraphs on my preferred ******* methods or my ****** escapades but ya know. Tw ig. Deal with it. It's not like I know who you are so I have no ******* shame. ANYWAYS now that the dumb moral cowheads are gone I am going to talk about something else just to spite them......After a ten minute break my hands are ******* me. It's 1:44am I should start keeping track shouldn't I. **** this is becoming too much like a diary. Just in case you don't remember I have had many attempts at keeping a diary and they always fail. I hope I can be consistent at one thing for once in my life at least then. 1:49am Saturday October 24, 2020 Well, well, well, look at me being all responsible. Btw lol I lied it's only been five minutes. I'm 13 I'm allowed to be impatient shut up. I just had a daydream about what it would be like if we could time travel after thinking about how it's. Um. Idk what's the word. Interesting? That I can talk to you but you can't talk to me. What if sometime in the future they invent a way for people to time travel to like see what people were doing in the last but they can't influence it in any way. They're like a ghost. Eighty year old me could be watching me right now. *Glances surreptitiously around the room* yea no I only wrote that to use the world surreptitiously in a sentence. No shame remember. If they did invent that which is actually not outside the realm of possibility by the way. But if they did invent it it would probably only be used by government officials and stuff and even then only in the most extreme of cases. It would probably start out really dangerous and stuff anyways then by only governments. Then maybe they'll bookmarked places in time where poeple can visit kinda like tourists. It wouldn't be like you good just see anyone that would be like an invasion of privacy and ****. And even if you could it would probably be only the people thatr dead so you would never see me. Someone else might tho. Which is cool ig or whatever. They'd be concerned for me tho lol. That's probably the most boring thing you've read in a while you probably skipped it. Tbh I wouldn't blame you. Who am I kidding ofc I blame you. YOU ARE (unbusy?) ENOUGH TO BE READING A WEEKS WORTH OF WRITING YOU UNSOCIAL ****. YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO DONT FLATTER YOURSELF. If I think about it there are probably five things you could be doing right now. You could be in a lavish penthouse drinking bubbly laughing heartily at my stupidness with your butler while reclining on an expensive sofa. In which case **** you. You could be in an apartment reading this alone with some coffee smiling wistfully at your phone which is probably the most likely option. Or wait your 18. NVM that's like options for twenty three or something. You are most definelty reading this while taking a break from your homework eaither in your bed or in your chair holding with nothing or your right hand probably while eating something. If you aren't eating something you are wasting the first time your reading this and you should really savor it because this is special *****. Go get something to eat. If you don't have anything to eat I'm dissapointed in you and I hope you will excersize your patience and your whatever the word is for control. Oh yeah self control and put this down while you GET SOMETHING TO ******* EAT YOU IDIOT. alrighty you better be eating something *****. If your are reading this on your laptop you should email it to yourself before you continue because sits more fun to read on your phone. While you do that get something to eat because I know you didn't listen the first three times I politely-aggresisuvly asked you to. Please. Your thriteen year old self is besseching you. Don't be rude. Do it ***** Thank you If you did it the first time I apologize for doubting you but I highly doubt you did it the first time. If you'd do it the first time good job you have come far in life and I'm very very impressed. I'm proud of you. If you did it the second time good job too. I care about you. I hope you found someone that cares about you now too. Now that that's over. I feel like I should take a break. This feels like an appropriate time to take a break. It's 2:07 I just finished a segment about how much I care about you. Somewhere deep inside some rebellious part of me wants to come back ten minutes later and be like 'ha got you *****' but I'm not going to do that because I am mature. My eyes burn. This isn't helathy at all. I'm just typing until the clock reaches 2:10 am. Just two more minutes to go. Yea that **** about me being mature. Fuggedabadit. Lol. I'm hilarious. 2:09. Why does time go so ******* fast except when I want it to GO GOD**** MOTHER DUCMING FAST. UGH. I hate this *. YES. OK BYE. 2:20 AM Saturday October 24, 2020 Ha, got you ***** *I was planing my grand plan to sleep then come back in ten minutes to say 'ha got you *****' I routinely checked in the clock between 2:10 and 2:20. Do not be fooled I was not mature at all. I am writing this bit rn at 2:11. While I am not mature I am incredibly self aware. Beware of *****. It is currently 2:17 I want to **** and sleep so badly but I WILL do this right. I am nothing if not stubborn. And before you ask no I don't know what the beware of BITHC part was either. YES 2:18. two more minutes till I can ******* SLEEP GOD**** IT. 2:19 ITS ALMSOT THERE. UDGUSGSJSHSHSHHSHSHSHHSJSN. Ihate this. C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon. And no I will not lie bc that is dishonourable and untruthful and who am I kidding I just want to do one god**** thing right in life for once. YES ITS 2:20. 10:28pm October 6, 2020 Yes this was too much like a diary I can't handle this much commitment Bye ***** You better be rich mf