A letter from October 26th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I hope this letter finds you well. Or not. It's not really my problem, five years in the past. I chose to send this so it would at least reach on your twenty-third birthday, so... happy birthday! But I'm not sure if you'll still be using this email in the future, what with you changing it every few years or so. Oh well. Guess we'll find out. Let's see... at the time of writing it's 10:51 at night on October 26th, 2020. I've been seventeen for a little over two weeks now. We got Tilly a little over a month ago now, on September 24th. Dudley is still doing good. He just got over a kitty cold that he caught from the kitten. How's he doing? He's sleeping in my room right now so I took a break to pet him a little bit. Hm... I'm procrastinating on a Computer Science project due in the morning by writing this letter, taking career tests, and making a Spotify playlist for kulning songs. Don't ask why. I don't know what else to really do with my time anymore. I don't really have any friends to text, and if I did quarantine is making it so even if I did have some, I couldn't go hang out or anything. I just hope things are better for you if you've made it this far without ******* yourself or something. Every day feels miserable-- I'll be happy one moment and then the next I'm just flooded with anxiety and desolation. And I can't talk about any of it since nobody gives a ****-- nobody did in the past, and nobody does now. I just feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper and I can't climb out, no matter how much I try to cling to the walls for some purchase. I say I don't want to die, but how true is that really...? In a world where you're almost completely invisible, is it really living? Have I ever really been alive yet? I'm seventeen but I still feel like I'm seven. I don't know what I'm supposed to do-- I can't stay here, but I just feel so stuck. I don't know who I am. I see myself in the mirror and I know those glasses, those freckles, that curly red hair, but... I don't know the person it's attached to. I just feel like I'm a shell. I forget things so often I'm scared I'll forget how to breathe. I just want someone to be there for me, but that's not something I really deserve, so I'm just... here, trying and failing to tough it out. I feel you of all people might be able to sympathize with that. I don't know if things are going to get better since I can't really see a future where that's happening... I hope you'll prove me wrong, maybe...? Sorry to get so depressing all of a sudden. I don't really have anywhere else to talk about these things. Of course, I have some questions. When did quarantine officially end? Who won the election? Did you ever decide what you wanted to do with your life? Are you fluent in any other languages, and if so, which ones? Do you have friends now? Do you live on your own? Did you ever convert to another religion...? Do you still wear all black, or do you actually wear color now? Have you grown out your hair at all (I'm debating letting it grow out right now, but I'm not too certain yet)? What's your favorite song right now (I don't really have one, but I guess I've been listening to a lot of screamo and hardcore)? What about book? And lastly, are you dating anyone yet? I hope you are. I'd love to be able to date someone, but I am just... too awkward for anyone to like as of yet. I don't know. I guess I kind of just want things to be okay, even if it seems helpless right now. Hope you deliver, my friend. I'm tired of writing this so I'll end it here. 敬具、過去のあなたを。 (Let's see if you've been studying, no?)