A letter from October 25th, 2020

Dear mackenzie, i know this is probably weird, getting an email from your 15 year old self. it's writing this. i just finished writing my first letter, to my 16 year old self. that one was more specific, asking about certain people. however, i want this email to be more broad. i know that so many things are going to change. before you start reading this, go ahead and listen to the song train wreck by james arthur. you used to love it so much. so, to my 20 year old self, the first thing i want to ask you is how are mom and dad? i know they are getting older, and i'm already worried about them. just know that whatever happens, they love you, and they want the best for you. how is phoebe? scout? maddie? megan? kaylee? lawson? i know cooper is 8 now, and right now i can't even imagine him as an 8 year old. and thea as a 6 year old?! its crazy. right now, im struggling with school. it's been hard to find the motivation again. it just seems so pointless right now. i know this isn't good, and i am so, so scared that i will start slacking. it's also hard because people expect so much of me, and i want nothing more than to make them proud. are you in college right now? i hope it's a good one, close to home. what's your major? are you enjoying it? how are you mentally? as i am writing this, i am struggling with anxiety and possibly depression. i don't want to self-diagnose, but it getting worse. i think i need to get help. i have started to question if life is even worth living, and if anyone would miss me if i were to go away. i hope you have found the courage to say something to mom or dad about it. i know they would do their best to help. it hurts worse to keep it bottled up than to let it out. right now i am more numb to it, its getting harder to cry. i hope you have learned to love yourself. i hope you can let go of your insecurities. i hope you are happy. how are you physically? i've been losing weight lately, and people are starting to notice. they are worried i am getting too skinny. just know that food and weight doesn't define you as a person. even though i find that hard to remember right now, i hope i can someday. how are your relationships with your friends? my closest friends right now are annabelle and diana and melissa. annabelle just moved, and i miss her so much. diana and i are getting closer, i think. i hope we stay friends because i like her. melissa and i aren't super close, but i still like her company. also, where are we with the whole covid 19 mess? are you in a relationship with anyone? if so, are you happy with them? but just know, you do not need anyone right now. just focus on your goals, and don't get distracted and discouraged if you're not in a relationship right now. know your worth. if you are in a relationship, remember to communicate. i know that's an issue for you, always has been. the time will come for you either way, i promise. has anything else happened in the last 5 years? the best thing that has happened? the worst thing that has happened? just know that all these things are what has made you, you, good and bad. i wish i could say that i love you, but i can right now. i hope you are still alive to read this.