A letter from October 21st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Happy birthday. As I'm sure you'll understand, this isn't the type of stuff that we would normally do so you're probably cringing as you're reading this but I suppose I'm reaching a point in my life that is going to define a good chunk of what's going to happen in the future, at least that's how it seems. To be honest, its pretty stressful right now, not in the sense of ahh I've got too much work to do because I'm coping quite well with my degree so far and I'm sure that unless something drastic happens I will have graduated with at least a 2.1 although I know deep down you'd be disappointed with anything less than a first lets be real. No its something a bit deeper than that, I graduate in about a year and a half ish and honestly I have no clue where I'm going to end up and that's scary, even scarier than the pandemic that's going on at the minute and that's saying something! Its that empty feeling, not really feeling passionate about a certain pathway you know, I guess that's the issue with having so many options. You know the one thing you've always wanted to do but right now I just don't know, and that's it. Everyone else seems so put together, like they can just decide on what they want and get it but it never seems to work out that way for you right now. Im currently on the verge of putting in my RAF pilot application but I just can't bring myself to do it right now. Theres times where I get so confident that I can do it, I look into the sky or whatever (cheesy I know but bear with me) and I know I should listen to that side of myself and take the leap because life is too short and ill regret the things I haven't done more than the things I did. But its tough, its really tough because I'm surrounded by so many impressive people, people who for some reason or another be it personality, contacts, wealth, whatever just are so much better than me, they can't seem to put a foot wrong yet here's me. I just can't help but think that submitting my application is just setting me up for a fat failure and then I'll have to deal with all the crap that comes with that you know. That part of me just can't help but think I'm not the right person for it and that sucks, constantly being told to "be more confident" yet how can I do that if that means I have to try and pretend to be someone I'm not. What sets me apart from the 100s of other people competing for a handful of places. And then I just get that sinking feeling, empty, just going through the motions with no direction thinking I'll just ending up living a quiet life at some ****** 9-5 office job retiring at 70 and dying. On that happy note, I guess I've got to look forward. Maybe this is what I need, I should just say **** it and jump, put my all into it you know. Ive got to realise age 20 isn't the be all or end all hell, you might be in the same position as me right now at age 25 who knows. Ive got to listen to that small part of me that's there, drowning in all this self doubt but still there and that's enough. That pang of excitement I get when I think about what doing that career would feel like, that feeling of getting that letter saying my application was successful no matter how many times its taken, that feeling of graduating and that feeling of flying, the thing that you always seem to circle back to no matter what distractions lead you off course, that thing, that weird passion that for some reason has always been there for as long as you can remember even though there's no real reason for it to be. And that leads me to you. I wonder where in the world you're reading this right now. I wonder who you're with, who you've met and who you've lost. Most importantly I wonder who you've become. It gives me some comfort to know that no matter how much apprehension I have right now, i think I'll turn out ok in the end. Wherever I am right now, whether it be in the RAF or not, I know I'll make the best out of it and I'll be on the right path to where I ultimately want to be, I trust that if I fail it will feel **** but I'll pick myself up, I always do. Im sure you'll think back to the time I'm writing this letter and wish you could come and tell me it'll be ok, and you'll be yelling at me to just do it. And I want to, I really want to but its hard when you don't believe in yourself and you feel a mile behind your competition no matter how much you try and hype yourself up. Funny side note, I'm getting deja vu right now and apparently that means you're on the right track so maybe that is a sign (or a sign of desperation xD). Anyway, I think I've taken up enough of your time now. I just wanted you to know that no matter where you are right now, I'm proud of you. Im sure you've overcome so much and whenever it gets tough just remember where you were when you wrote this letter, how lost you felt, how scared you felt yet you still got through it and managed to get to where you are today. Im guessing it probably hasn't been an easy ride but hey, that makes for a good story doesn't it, and all the best lives have a good story. See you in 5 years I guess.