A letter from October 20th, 2020

Dear Future Me, What's up? I'd think that I'd be better at composing a letter literally written for myself, but writing is unfortunately not my strong suit. Hopefully future me has become better with composing myself, but I sincerely doubt it. I got a new haircut today. I don't like it, I think it's too short, but it'll grow back. It's not like I'm leaving my house much, anyway, so I guess it's useless to stress over. Speaking of which, is COVID-19 still a thing? That would suck. Are you fluent in Spanish yet? I hope so. Right now, I'm barely intermediate, but I can still understand a little bit when people speak at work. It's a worthwhile language, though; I like learning it as a hobby. What about Laotian? I can't ever see myself as fluent, honestly, but right now I can understand a little bit from Mathu or dad, though Pathu's a bit harder since he doesn't speak as much. Still, I like the language just as much as Spanish. It's strange at first, but anyone who can call it "ugly" clearly hasn't heard enough of it. It's cute-sounding once you manage to understand it. Do you still hate yourself? That's a sudden question, sorry. I was trying to think of some way to ease into this, but I suppose this whole letter thing would be useless if I didn't ask what I thought of as worthwhile. So, do you? I can't imagine a future where I don't. Hopefully I'm mistaken. I'm not disappointed if you still do, though, I completely understand. I'm listening to "Le Vrai Moi" from Lomepal while I write this, but the stupid WIFI won't stop cutting out. It's a good song, though, and you should probably re-visit it. The song just changed to "Bruno" from Hop Along while I was trying to fix the WIFI, so you should probably re-visit that one, too. Are you still as lonely as I am? I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to refer to myself as "I" or "you". Technically, both are correct, but it's weird to call myself "you". Even though I am you. Anyways, are you? Once again, I can't imagine myself not being lonely anymore. There was a point when I wanted to, but I think the idea has lost all of it's merit to me. Even though I'm surrounded by people, I still feel alone. My mom would tell me that I have no right to feel like this. I have a good life, after all, so why can't I be happy with myself? Like, really, truly happy with myself? I think she's right. I don't know why I can't be happy. I feel okay most of the time, like I laugh and I'm fine, but once I'm alone and I have nothing left to distract myself with, I can't help but feel like ****. I don't think I'm depressed and I don't think I ever have been - about a year ago, my mom "diagnosed" me with depression and then just seemed to assume that it'd stopped - but, looking at the people around me, I think something's wrong with me. While I was writing that, the song ended so I replayed it. The next song was "Istanbul" from They Might Be Giants, and it just felt like a bit of a mood-******. I don't want you to read this and to cry. I want to be in a place where this feeling is in the past and has no impact on me. I'm crying while writing this, which is unfortunate, but I suppose I'll have to know what it's like in order to look back and realize how much I've changed. I'm sorry if you're crying, though. My drawing tablet suddenly stopped working and I have to get a new one, so that sucks. It'll likely be after Christmas before I can afford one. Anyways, do you still draw? I wouldn't admit it to anyone other than myself, but I'd like to be an artist someday. I just need to learn. If not, I don't know what I'll do. Do you still do it to yourself? (I'm not gonna say what it is; you know what I'm talking about.) I don't think I'll ever stop, so don't get upset if you still do. I mean, I'm not exactly expecting much from you. It's the only situation in my life that I feel as if I'll never recover from. It's sad, and I guess I'm weak for not being able to stop myself. Funny, the only thing harder than managing to keep it up is managing to finally put this chapter of my life to an end. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. I'll be 19 in 2025. An adult, basically. It's hard to imagine. I'm scared of adulthood. I'm scared of how much easier it will be to be alone. I'm scared of looking back and realizing that I wasted my life. I don't trust myself at all. I don't know what I'm doing - whether I'm following my dreams or selling dope on the street - but please don't be alone. I know how I am when I'm alone and I know how painful it is to realize that you have nobody. I don't want that for myself anymore. If that's how the rest of my life is, case closed, I'm probably going to **** myself. I don't know exactly why I'm writing this. It just popped in my head and I decided to do it. Maybe future me will need to hear it. If not, that's even better. I just want to believe that it'll get better. I look forward to becoming you, if that's not a weird thing to say.