Follow Your Heart Man

Dear FutureMe, Follow your heart! You wrote a letter on the 16th explaining your feelings. You still haven't sent it. You thought you were going to call this evening to talk about it, or at least talk about talking about it. You know you want to. Well, if you follow your heart and you are reading this share it with her. I think you are a wimp if you do not act on it. It is a complicated situation, but Love is always tangled mess of waste and bounty. Here is the letter: 12/16/05 Michelle, The most interesting thing happens to me around the holidays even before last year’s holidays. Always. I think of you. This holiday is no exception. I always looked forward to getting my fix of you at least once a year – usually during or near the holidays. I always, in the back of my mind, wished you joy and happiness. However, after seeing you or talking with you I felt miserable with an emotional hangover that would last a month. Then, I hunkered back down to running my life. I would go through this cycle, until this year. I probably spent the entire last year thinking of you more than I should. Up until this week, I have been pretty steadfast in my devotion to my wife and new family. But, this week has been emotionally taxing on me. I would love to be able to say, “it’s the holidays and I am wrapped up in the holiday spirit, joy, love, and happiness with those I love.” I know it is not that. I deeply believe that it is because I am not with the one that I truly love. I have never in my life felt the physical feelings that I have when I think of you, see you, hear you, IM you. The IM part sounds corny, but it excites me just to talk with you. This morning, I felt physically nauseous. I can’t believe what I am feeling and how coincidental everything seems to be happening. This will sound silly but, for some reason, it seems signs of Paris have presented themselves most unexpectedly. Our split second similar comment on Paris, the franc, and now The Eiffel Tower and Paris in NYC on Sex in the City. (BTW, I don’t truly watch SITC. Leigh does.) Let me explain. Last night while visiting friends for a holiday dinner, I was in the family room playing with their son, William. He pulled out his train set toys and set up a little village. As I looked over to see the creation, center stage is the Eiffel Tower. This morning, Leigh pulled up last night’s Sex in the City episode recorded on DVR. In the opening scene, Miss Bradshaw strolled through the streets of NYC musing about what a single gal can do on any given night in the city. It was date night apparently. She choose to go to Paris, a film theater in NYC. I know it sounds silly, and I may be fixated on the whole Paris thing, but, signs show up everyday whether we pay attention to them or not. They may be creations of the mind or some other force that drives these coincidental events. People choose to pay attention or ignore them. I, in this case, paid attention because, the outcome means so much to me. This is all scaring me though. It is foreshadowing to certain change and a tough decision. I am fearful that we are in lust rather than love. I am fearful that we are not the same people that we think each other is. I am fearful of hurting my family. I am fearful of hurting Leigh. I am fearful of hurting Otto’s future. I am also fearful of hurting me. I am not 100% satisfied right now. Not 100% happy. Not 100% sure I married the right person. I purchased a poster that has rules to success. Rule number one, marry the right person. I question that rule whenever I read it. I rationalize my marriage and decide it is right and decent – it is the moral and righteous to keep the family together. Leigh is my support, Otto is my son. I am their support. It does not feel like I support Leigh with true love as much as I do out of care and compassion. Otto on the other hand, my heart encircles. You weren’t holding on to something that wasn’t there. It has always been there and always will be, no matter what our choices. You were right, we are in different places right now and you had to move on with your life. I kept running my life. I want to live my life following my heart. And, my heart is longing for and chasing your heart. But, I need to grow the courage and faith to make the right choice. It is especially hard to make this choice when all the factors are considered. And, you know this; you’ve been there. It is easy to make the choice based on the most powerful innate human emotion - love. I hope that this does not frighten you or bring down your spirits. The ball is in my court. This is my choice, my burden. I want you to enjoy where you are, who your with, and who you’ve become. No matter what happens, we will always have Paris. With love always, Mark