A letter from October 13th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, At this point when you receive this, I guess, you are probably at the age of 21 already. Which I guess, you are not that excited about it anymore right? Because right now, I don't know. Me, your 16 year old self, I have an idea to commit suicide at 18. Sh, don't let anybody know. But I guess you remember, right. I am still trying to blame it on the frontal lobe of my brain that is not fully developed yet, that is the only reason why I feel lost and sad and depressed and lonely while at the same time making silly stuff that consequently led to many bad outcomes which make me feel more insecure and lonely and want to die every single day. Yeah, you might not believe this, but yeah, we all feel like that. But yeah, because I am still trying to blame brain, we are all good. At least. Sometimes while taking shower or crying in the middle of the night cuddling myself feeling like I am going to hurt every single people I meet in life, I think about dying at 18. Yeah, 2 more years from now. Yeah, that's.. kinda close. I have this idea when I close my eyes whenever I'm tired, the picture of you, or me, or the one in the past, or the one in the very far future, sitting in my, or your, or our stomach, slashing ourselves to ***** while screaming. Or maybe, sometimes. We are laying in this small boat in nowhere of the ocean, in the middle of the night, above us is the moonlight, some stars gazing down. But there's no one there. No one can hear us, no one can know whether we disappear or not. And then we just, I guess, disappear. There's nothing in the boat anymore, and the moon is still shining in the sky. Why am I only hurting people around me? What is so wrong with me Should I feel fine about being hurted by them accidentally Or should I hurt them back and then of course, regret it later and blame it on myself 100 times harder than the rest of worst things that I have been through. Should I disappear I can't disappear I cannot be forgiven. Never. I think I am just I am really tired right now.. Am I The pandemic is still going on, you know. And it's hard to actually think about the future. I am lost in my own thoughts, sometimes. Rightnow, I am doing my third law assignment. Have not finished it yet, it's gonna due in the next 3 hours, or 2 and a half. I don't know. But I try to do this. Yeah, if there's somebody with you right now, don't forget to say thank you to that person after reading this. Whatever the reason is, you know. But there isn't. I guess, you have me now. We live in a very far distance, far timeline. But yeah, sometimes you just have to know that somebody was thinking about you a lot and having you as something for them to keep living everyday, even if it's your 16-year-old self. I want to ask you a lot. How's Mom? How's HR? How's A and Lei? How are you? Have you got addicted to any drugs yet? Or even try smoking? Have you came out? Have you done a confession that is not through texts? Have you lost your virginity? Have you became better in performing card tricks? Have you lost you yet? Have you got sick of listening to Eternally/ Miracle Aligner/ Cho/ I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor/ CIX's Imagine/ Lee Hi's MY STAR? Don't forget to type out your recent favorite songs for ourselves in the future. Hey I think that I want to tell you that I love you a lot. In case nobody is telling you this lol I don't think you got your first date to tell you this already. HAHAHA. But yeah I do adore you a lot Like a lot with many 't's lol. No matter who you're now. Who you have turned into. What you have done so far. Rightnow, the moment when I'm writing this in the middle of finishing my assignment, I enjoy that idea of loving you extremely. Lmao, yep, that sounds weird. But yeah. Keep up the good work. Don't try so hard to please people. Even if you like it. Please save some money to go to a psychologist, yeah, I am being serious. If you are still alive and can read this and are bored, you should definitely do that. Yeah, isn't Beomgyu charming? I hope every goodness of life can come to him. [ I bet you still think that YEP, he is way too adorable for this world.] Ok, that's pretty much everything I want to say right now. I don't know if you're gonna be received some letters from me in the future or not, I cannot predict these stuff. But isn't it surprising? I love surprise. Especially, from myself. Especially, from my 16-year-old self. Cuz I am still young. And depressed. And also want to live fully desperately, and want to be lazy at the same time. Yeah, currently drinking coffee around 3, hopefully won't breakdown in the next 5 hours. But yeah, that's it for this letter. Sorry if it's not enough. I have some present for you, though. We all enjoy these videos so much. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggEuvnY_fTQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyzo8G6yMAc https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1FQeUXn_sc&list=LL&index=32 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4KJWMmTQzA&list=LL&index=46 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdqNYZYx-rs&list=LL&index=51 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAABfktcUCQ&list=LL&index=82 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cE2p9oZLydg&list=LL&index=111 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_62fr-I3E4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzTFbZUDX6o https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnPvvSoFcZE That's it lol I will try to send some maybe later lol. ALRIGHT BYE