December 20, 2005

Dear FutureMe, I was given this link from Josh, so thanks to him :) I just got one baby down for a nap and still working on the other two. The problem is, that even if I get them all to sleep, what on earth do I choose to hurry up and do? LOL...there's taking a shower, laundry, cleaning, or just relaxing. As much as the latter should take a back seat, I am really considering it, in form of a nap! I'm exhausted all the time. I know it is partially PPD, but what could I possibly change to help that? I am so tired of feeling frustrated all the time. I am tired of being angry. I am just tired. So much is going to change in the next year. We are buying this house, well, hopefully. I am pretty much set up for disappointment that SOMETHING will go wrong with it. Terrible, I know. But I'm just so used to it, I don't know how to expect anything good. I know I should just trust God, but I have an extreamely hard time doing that. Probably because I have never FULLY trusted God for anything. I say I do, but I always back out b/c I am scared. So here's hoping he intervenes this time anyways and blows me away. I need to get our butts tithing, I'm sure that will help. But I doubt that also, because the last time we were consistantly tithing we had disaster after disaster come our way and the church that should have been there to help us wasn't. Very hard to get over, STILL. Even though it has been 3 years. Emery is sitting up, not crawling yet. I feel bad that I don't spend enough time on the floor with him that I should be. Abby just started talking up a storm about a month or two ago. It's so adorable. She plays dress up daily, loves princesses and barbies. Doesn't like to sleep or eat. Jack is sooo ready for school. Well, so am I. He's just driving me crazy. I love him to death, I just don't know what to do with him anymore. It seems like he just jumped from baby to little boy. I knew how to deal with the baby, I am not so good of a mom to the little boy. I am way too hard on him, and I need to figure out how to let up, because I don't want him to turn out like me. I dream of a day by myself in peace with no worries. I just want to sit down and cry by myself. I want to feel smarter, know more. I want to fit in somewhere. I want someone to take a moment and think of me before themselves. I know I shouldn't want that, but I do. I'm thankful for this link....I just vented about lots that I have been wanting to vent to someone about but hadn't. There is no one there to listen. I guess venting to myself is good medicine.~