hello?

like that clairo song. ik it hasnt been like an awful lot of time, but I was just hoping you changed a ton. I hate me rn I mean a few things are going ok. I'm not horribly shy anymore, but I guess when you don't leave your house for 7 months and forget that people have the ability to perceive your existence, it just happens. Nate and I are going strong. Kinda. Spent whole day on tiktok today, I ******* suck took some banger pics yesterday, thought i'd post them on ig but it looks like I'm trying too hard. It's too unlike me. deadass? i sometimes wanna delete my ig cus I so ugly tryhard i meannnnn fr i literally cant post on ig without having a massive panic attack and pissing mom off cause I need her to tell me I'm pretty like 50 times I hate myself I saw some toktoks i made yesterday, that lil WAP dance. It don't even look like me. I move different. i look different. I watched that **** and swore on all that's holy that there was no ******* way i didn't get possessed. I looked so different. So confident. i just hate that people dont see me the way i want them to. they see me the way I put myself out there; and I don't put myself out there cus I'm scared of how they'll see me but now you're cool, uh? in nyc sharing a ****** apartment with a queer kid, your lil notebook of audition and casting calls beside you sike not gonna raise my expectations. We all know how that turned out the first time, right? Not yet cause its still 2020, but 2022 Isabele's gonna ******* have it with her 2018 self talking **** about her fiRsT nOvEL. '''''ohmigod it saved my life'''''' '''im so deep i use words i found on thesaurus''''' ''''look how ******* deep i am, i talk about feeling, the Atlantic WISH she were me''''''''' not that i don't do that. Mid-20's you gonna have enough of me asking about the show, Which i learned, just today, that I'm only supposed to write the pilot. WELL IF I KNEW THAT ID BE DONE LIKE 10 MONTHS AGO. i asked robin rashid if there was no way ppl would buy a full season. ROBIN RASHID. I'm a ******* moron rn im home. Mom beside me asking what im doing each five minutes, without a miss. We're at the tv room, shes watching some mainstream crammed with straight white dudes, saying she'll go upstairs soon. I want her to go to bed bc i wanna work on the pilot. go on. be those facebook pics with text like 'teenager: I HATE MY MOM😒😒🤢🤢🙄🤬🤬SHES SO BOSSY🤬😡😡😡😡 ///adult:😥😥😥I MISSS MY MOM😪😪😕😔😓I SHOULDVE APPRECIATED HER MORE😖😰😰 cry like a lil ***** bc you miss your folks' home. I love mom and dad. But rn shes being nosy. She does this. Whenever she's curious what im doing she comes in the same room all 'aw i didn't want you to be alone :)"' gives me a hug to get a proper close look what im working on and leaves. Idk why but i just cant work on the show with her near me. Its weird as ****, like, its so private iunno wbu? what you up to? i have this weird feeling that, in real life, you never get past the character development part. Like bro i want you to be in LA. I want you to pursue an acting career or something, idk if im tripping, idk if you grew out of it. I mean like i want to believe you're doing so much better but when i try to picture you there, LA beach, in a bikini because you love your body, playing volleyball or some other straight girl ****; when i picture this brand new, perfect version of you, i get the same vibe from 12 year old k-pop stans who think they'll finish high school in South Korea and eventually marry J-kook or some ****. Like yeah it's ideal. But is it possible? it almost isnt for real i don't remember a single person from my sophomore year who didn't say they'd finish senior year in north America bc their aunt's friend's husband had a distant family remember living in Idaho who could house them. I see you Isabele you're getting finished with college. awww you thought you'd finish it in 2025? you told mommy and daddy you'd finish in 2025? aww that's cute. I bet your apartment reeks of bleach cause you so unstable you went all Ramona Flowers with your hair. I bet you still so basic fries are your favorite food. You never had a pint of ben and jerry's bc they're oh so expensive--oh wait I'm wrong. Im wrong, right? There was this one time you went to the movies on your own, and you thought 'sELf cArE' as you promptly handed R$40 to the cashier. And you regret moving to João Pessoa, don't you? It' a summer city and you love summer but you just didn't sign up for the 45°C days. Or for the number of times people asked you to say 'porta' and laughed because apparently, your accent is HILARIOUS. And it's cool with me if you're still finding yourself. I know you wish you were in LA in a bikini playing volleyball at the beach with your diverse group of friends too. Who doesn't? And if you're there, if right now you're where I always wanted you to be, please know you're the coolest ****** girlie in the world. And I love you. And go tell your diverse group of friends that i love them too.