A letter from September 24th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hello JP! I'm the previous version of what you used to be and I'm really hoping we are in the place that is meant for us. Right now I feel hopeless but I keep thinking positively for what will come in this lifetime, right now is bad with the Coronavirus pandemic. My husband doesn't love me anymore and he just want me out of his life...but also he doesn't want me to stay or have any contact with my daughter. I'm here writing to you because I don't have any friends to talk to. I feel really down and I just keep imagining my ideal life; what could have been? I have my imaginary world where I am who I am and nobody is ashame of me, where I don't feel guilty, useless and stupid. Am I that hard to love? My husband have no respect for me he just see me as a failure and waste of time. We fight everyday EVERY SINGLE DAY, but I'm not leaving my daughter....He calls me a ***** anytime he has a chance. He doesn't think I'm enough of a woman, wife or mother. I just let him say whatever he wants because this voice inside my head tells me that I'm not what he thinks of me.That I'm better and stronger of what he thinks I am. Besides the horrible things he tells me I pick myself up and carry on I just need an opportunity.....just one opportunity but he doesn't want me to get out of this cycle, I don't work because he thinks $15/h is not enough, the jobs that I apply are all garbage, I have no money to do anything, I'm just depending from him and he likes to punish me and having control over me. I don't have any money, I don't have any good clothes, I don't have anything or anyone. Is not that I'm a materialistic person I only buy things from the thrift store and used. JP I'm writing to you because I want you to be happy, Don't we deserve a better peaceful life? Not a life where someone always rub your face with guilt and hate. Wishing you to die and plotting against your growth. Chaining yourself to this person will not make you happy, expecting him to change when you are the one that needs to change is not helping in any way. Right now 09/24/2020 I'm eagerly waiting for this one job I'm putting all my hopes and wishes....even though I will end up on the streets because my husband said that the first day I start working he will throw my things away. That's the type of control he puts on me... But I'm strong what breaks my heart is not seeing my daughter. But I'm gonna be ok because this is the opportunity I have been waiting for. Everyone wants me to be in this dark hole only asking from me but unable to give me not even a positive thought. I don't have friends because I have been used, lied and taked advantage of. I'm no longer giving my energy to people who doesn't deserve it, who doesn't appreciate my time or me in general. I'm not going to engage in any type of negativity thought or feeling....I'm sick and tired of feelings. I'm no longer a people pleaser, I need to please myself and don't give a **** about other people feelings who wants to manipulate me and makes me feel guilty to say NO. I'm not the same JP who is looking for approval and I expect you to be better that me right now!! I'm thinking of you and the things that I want to accomplish. I'm interested in this angel answer oracle cards and art nouveau tarot cards, I want to get them but I'm to poor right now to buy them....so sad. JP I don't want you to feel the same as I'm feeling right now, continue doing what makes you powerful. I have faith in us!!! Don't give up!!! 33 years old JP ❤️❤️❤️