A letter from September 22nd, 2020

Hey you, I hope you're feeling fine. If you're curious, I'm not. I'll just explain to you at what period in your life I'm right now. It's been more than 1 month that I'm in Korea. Everything was going so well until my "breakdowns" (idk how else to call this) decided to come back and ruin my days. It's been quick a long time since the last time I cried that hard and felt that worthless. I mean, I already cried several times in Korea (actually too many times) but this time it feels so different and it hits harder. The first days, I was feeling so happy (but I was still crying, we like a fragile ***** with a mean brain) with all the new persons I met. All so nice. But now that time passed, I just feel like they don't really care about me. I feel so alone again and I'm ******* tired of this. This is why I hate overthinking and analyzing every ******* situation and every ******* action that someone else does. I kind of know that it's just my brain being a ***** with me but at the same time I can't help but think that it's right. I'm just so empty and that's why people can't love/like me. I hate thinking like this but am I wrong? Just look at who among all of them contacted or sent me a message? How many of them? None if I'm not sending something to them first. I just want people to care about me SOMETIMES. Just sometimes. At least one person. To be worth something to someone. Okay, I may be lying a little bit, Hana sent me messages several times and also Delphine but since the day I got REALLY drunk and ****** up, no more news or messages from her (Hana). I just think I disappointed her too much and I kind of regret this but at the same time, just **** this, I'm used to this so why is it going to be different this time, I'm too tired of worrying and caring of what people think of me. So yeah, maybe it's my brain being a ***** or just me realizing this all. Anyways, I'll know what's the truth as the time passes by. Anyways, even if I feel like Hana began to hate me bc she's "discovering" the real me, that Delphine just keeps talking to me bc we're just the two Belgian girls who kind of came to this country together, that Justin also kind of hates me or at least finds me really annoying and doesn't really care about me, that Lili answers my messages and invites me just by pure politeness, that Ariann doesn't really hate me but just doesn't give a ****, and that Eline also doesn't give a **** and has probably forgotten my existence, even if rn I'm thinking all of this, please, promise me that the day you'll receive this letter you'll send them all a message, just to see how they're doing and maybe to do something all together, who knows haha. If they don't actually really hate you/me... Let's change the subject and talk about my eating issues that are back :)))))))) CONGRATULATION LOL. We like a stupid ***** with a stupid brain. I'm really trying to overcome this but this fear of gaining too much weight floods my thoughts and people talking about my weight are not helping me AT ALL. I know they are just joking but their comments really have an impact on me bc it makes me realize that people really pay attention to what others look like. We'll see if my way of eating gets better or not. I mean, eating only 1 pack of Belgian fries the whole day isn't the healthiest thing at all but I still was proud of myself... How sad is it... I don't know if you remember how your dorm was a big mess. Messy room, messy mind yeaaaaah. Anyways, I was trying (just trying) to finally clean it bc maybe it will help me to get better (I have to start somewhere) but as I was cleaning everything, I just started tearing so much and just gave up. I've been crying for more than 1 hour now :)))))) I AM TIRED OF THIS ****. I'm not feeling as bad as I used to feel in December 2019 but I feel like it's getting closer and I'm ******* scared of this. I'm ******* scared that I will feel again so bad, thinking about ***** every day, feeling worthless, empty, without any will to live, alone, ... I'm ******* scared bc this time I'll have no one to help me overcome this, I won't have my work friends who helped me sooooooo much (and they probably don't even know this). If my mental health gets this bad again, I don't know if I will be able to get better and overcome this. Like rn, I think that the pain I feel is only 3/10 of what I felt before and it's already almost unbearable. I'm just getting weaker and weaker. I just hope the universe will have mercy on me this time. Anyways, I'm telling you this all so you can compare your past life with your present life and see how things got better (or worst but I hope not). Wishing me a lot of love and happiness.