A letter from September 17th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Sep. 16, 2020 Hi HAAHHAH, umm idk what to write HAHAHA. Idrk how to explain how im feeling but i hate it. This feeling of being completely useless and usefulness at the same time. Like i can change that but I can't? I hate feeling like this, kanang murag tanan trabaho si mama ra ang naghimo tas biskan isa way ako mahimo. Gusto nako naa koy himoun pero inday ngano dili nako kaya. Gusto ko muadtu sa sala tas tabangan si mama pero inday ngano dili ra nako kaya HAHAH weird no? haha ik. chow anyways I just embarassed myself to day HAHAHA **** yeah im not going back to school ever again, maybe next next next year i can but not anytime soon, hell na after what i just did. ****** okay since maybe u dont remeber, you embarassed yourself 5 years ago. remember, at this exact day you were writing this, you saw a tiktok abt how white people think just bc you and the other are person are asians it means you guys are related somehow? yeah so u shared that to your story but theres some people u dont want it to see so you make a private story but instead of making a story you actually made a groupchat and now all those people are asking "whtf is this gc?" but before anyone goes you left the gc HAHAHAHa then you went in the basement and stayed there for half an hour and it was literally so hot outside but you felt like it was -30 degrees so you covered urself in your thick comforter, yeah remember that? HAHAH chow anyways, i hope we go to value village this saturday, i have plans to change my closet and wear the clothes i actually want but not the expensive ones bc bich ur broke yah. anyways thats all, im writing this rn bc idk i just have nothing to do and i dont want to check my phone bc of what i just said earlier, i mean typed ig? bruh idk uh i dont want to end this yet im gonna start feeling so empty again, i haet it. Okay so imma go really deep rn but like idk how i feel abt things, like im happy for both of my parents that they found people that makes them happy but im kinda sad abt it too? like you know how you grew up with your lolo and lola's? (which by the way are the best years of your life) yeah and how you only got to see ur parents for like a month every 2/3 years? and then one day they said oh when we come home ur coming with us and i was excited, i mean heck this was the first time i can be with my family, like complete family, in those 10 years growing up I didnt wish for anything but getting to be with both of my parents and experiencing those things that i see in youtube and FINALLY getting to attend family days and having them walk me when i get an award. i longed for those so when the time came where we have to go to Canada, i didnt cry but i wanted to because **** sakes my friends and family and everything that i love is in surigao! idk how to do things without them, im leaving everything that i love, everything. But I didnt cry, i didnt cry because I thought to myself, ah finally after 10 years I can be with both of parents, same roof and getting to see them go to work and back from work and just having a good time with them. yk those family videos you see on the internet and how happy they looks, how they can go to fairs because they have someone to go with like ive always wanted to ride those roller coasters that does a 360 or do those extreme rides like i wanted to do all of those but i had no ne to go with cause my lolo and lola are all old and i dont think their heart can take it HAHAHAHA, so when papa came and we were here in canada, i experienced my first k days. IT WAS FUN, im telling you we rode all those scary rides and papa and kuya played with those basketball thingy and they won a bear, the pink unicorn bear, and papa gave it to me and bch u still should have it, now go take it before you start reading any further. yeah anyways i mean some parts were act good but it was mostly bad. when we came here almost everynight they fought in the kitchen, they keep on yelling at each other like saying "yawa kaw! piste ka! way imo natabang!" etc and then they come to our room and i pretend like i didnt hear anything, ooh actually wait there's more to that. so when we came here the plan was me and kuya share a room and papa and mama share one then the next morning they were like 'oh you're gonna go sleep with mama" which meant that me and mama will share a room and kuya and papa will share one, so i asked why? and they said that papa snored too loud and she couldnt sleep so i was like "tf? you guys have been together for years and now suddenly you cant tolerate his snores? like i was able to manage it how can she not? but ofc i didnt say that so that was a major sign of something, then months later papa was moving to the city bc his job here wasnt enough and thats when things went downhill, well ngl everything went downhill the moment we landed here in canada, so while papa was in the city and he had work at weekends my mom would set something up so we can have a day with Eli, idk what to call him like should i call him tito eli or uncle eli? idk, anyways at first ithought they were just really goog friends and it was nothing more but as time passed i realized they were so close and comfy with each other, heck they even had a nickname, so i was like wtf is happening?!?! then it clicked, they were way over than just friends and i didnt know hot to fel abt it, cause by that time, we just finished celebrating christmas and new years and then the next week papa was going back home to Philippines, no explaining why he just went back then months later boom, facebook update, and he got a new pfp, but it wasnt just him, papa was with a lady and they were together. that means both of my parents already has another people in their life, yet no one bothered to explain to us what happend. but ig they didnt need to i mean look mom and eli never told us that they were actually together we just knew and then he moved into our house and as i was just letting those news sink in, another news came, mom was preggy. whats worse is that i knew it before she stold me, how? well i went into their room (we cleared a storage room and that became my room so now i have a room to myself) to get earbuds then beside the box of earbuds there was a "PregVita" and i was like " wait hold up, doesnt preg mean...?" then i read it and confirmed yup and she started taking like 4 pills already so i went back to my room and just stared at my wall, no fcking way no way nononnononononono. then the nxt next day my mom jokingly said it to me like we were abt to pick up kuya from basketball practice and she was like "oh saysay ready nakaw ma ate? haAhha" and i froze i was like "maaa nooo noooo nooo nooo noo noo noo" i was basically like that the whole ride from picking kuya up at school. confirmed. then a baby appeared and during those months i got no update from papa, bc he was blocked on all my social by my mom bc she didnt want us talking to him and sometimes we get to message him ask how he was doing and all but it was pretty sad. those years were the saddest and it lead me to low self esteem and extreme anxiety. yeah okay im gonna stop typing now cause thats pretty sad so yeah anyways, happy 18th birthday!!!! bichhhh you an adult now? fr? naaahhh HAHAHAHHa so like what college are we going to? did we get a scholarship? do still want to be a cardio thoracic surgeon or did that change? if so then what did it change into? what course you getting? also are u the class valedictorian? or what rank are you, bich you better be atleast third nothing lower than that okay? yeah anyways howd we celebrate today? like i mean in filipino culture we should have a debut but i dont think i have enough friends for that rn but how bout there? you have friends now? oh and did you change clothes? like are ur clothes aesthetic now and please dear god if your lips are dry and you keep peeling them off stop that, as im typing rn my lips look disgusting af please hopefully ur lips are all good now. also how bout ur hair? what did u do with it? does it look good or do u still look like a witch that came out of a swamp? anyways enough with that, hope you have a good day bch! good luck in college and lets both hope our life succeed and we both get our dream job, whatever ur dream job is now, and have a good life but a good bank$ too ofc HAHAHA and please dont be with someone who has low dreams, always have high standards maybe not that high but dont settle for someone less than u deserve, that applies to whatever your dream job is now too, remember follow your heart, dont go to college bc your fam wants u to, go bc u want to and achieve ur own goals, not ur moms, not anybody else, but for you, you and yourself yeah anwyas this might be the longest one ive wrote so im gonna head out now byeeeeeee sincerely, your 13 year old self feeling empty today and just got embarassed