A letter from September 13th, 2020

hey y'know the **** right now sucks. i am on the verge of a panic attack over this ******* class. maybe it is the pandemic getting to me -- or maybe it's just this strict *** teacher. tell me again why i signed up for a class with a teacher I KNEW would give me a panic attack? **** im so scared for tomorrow. i was supposed to get an internship and have a bunch of paperwork prepared for tomorrow's class, but lucky me i have nothing to show for it. god i had three weeks and only contacted two ******* sites (one of which led me on and then left me on read while the other never contacted back). as u can tell, this **** is my fault bc writing emails gives me ?? anxiety?? i hope by now, you've fixed that. it's a dog-eat-dog-world out there and if u cant even write a ******* email then idk,,, do u even deserve rights? specifically, i'm just scared of her singling me out in the zoom call and yelling at me. i only have 5ish other people in my class so what are the odds that someone else hasn't found an internship either? what if she calls me to talk to her after class and asks me where i've contacted? do i lie and say 10 places? do i admit to my measly 2? this fear of teachers has gone on for so long. i feel like this is linked to my high school and middle school days. i'm trying to work and get a job at a place i actually want to work at, but instead i have to waste my time looking for an internship at some ******* rando place. i just want tomorrow to end fast. and the zoom call to end faster. writing this as a future me has relived some stress... i guess... once i wake up from bed tomorrow and log in for the class at 1:00, all the anxiety will be flooding back. i hope all these years in the future, this period of stress has already been forgotten. i know **** is temporary, but this **** doesn't feel like it is. kinda funny how all the worst parts of my life are school related