A letter from September 11th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, this is how you feel right now. today at 3:40 AM. 3AM it’s kind of hard right now i think that i’ve been kind of ignoring my thoughts and feelings, pushing them away and ignoring them. thinking that it doesn’t matter and that i’m okay. but i’m not. it’s all lies. endless lies that are just suffocating me right now when i’m alone with my mind. i’m drowning in them, suffocating and dying. i miss them so much, but i’ve done something unforgivable and as much as they’ve hurt me, there was a piece of me that had the hope that someday we’ll be good, but with my unfortunate action, things are forever done. i’ve once again, put all i had on one person, that has already showed me in the past, that they are not afraid of hurting me. and they are doing it again, but it’s my fault for thinking they’ve changed. im all alone, by myself and i. there is nobody there to catch me, the way it used to be. i know i shouldn’t depend on somebody, but the truth is, i am weak. i’m a weak minded person, no alpha. i’m someone who tags along the flow. doing what everyone does. i am nobody. im just the water not the wave that it creates. and the truth hurts, because i can’t comprehend the feeling of being weak. it’s hard to admit, because i’ve got nobody to admit it to. just myself. im a ****** up person, really am. selfish, sick and all that. addicted to things that are not good for me, because that’s how it’s been. i’m craving the bad things, that hurt me. in order to find more reasons to hate myself. there’s this need inside of me to numb myself, and i do it with various things, that could really **** up my life and health. my family and my everything. but i can’t stop it. i can’t reach out for help, because nobody but god and me know what i’m suffering and doing. if i tell a single soul, i’ll lose everything. i feel helpless. i wish some things never happened, even though i know better. i know that they weren’t good for me if we look at it from a long term friendship. i made them my priority, forgetting who i am, what i want. the end of it, brought me peace for a while, i had a clear mind for a while. but now with the lies, things didn’t change at all to be honest. iam not just lying to everyone, the worst thing is that i’m lying to myself. i am hurting myself, literally for the sake of my lies, and it’s so sick. i know that i suffer from a deep deep deep problem, one that could take years to fix. i suffer from life. im just now realizing some things. i hate myself, my body my face my everything. hearing my weight today took a toll on me. it really did. i literally tried to make life insurance, plan my funeral and everything just to not make my family suffer, when i’m ending it. how sick is that. if you’d just let it sink in. i just, i just want peace. peace in my mind, my heart and my life. i want happiness and satisfaction, i want to be loved, i want to be good. i want to succeed. but it’s so hard. it just seems, impossible. i hope that one day god, my family and the people around me, can forgive me. but most importantly, i hope i can forgive myself. — i really want to know, how you feel when you read this in a few years. on this very day. i hope you will and i hope you don’t leave. i hope it’ll be different. stay for your mother, father and sisters. stay to make a change. i don’t love you right now, but i hope i do when you read this. see you!