A letter from September 10th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It's 11:19 pm, Wednesday September 9 2020! I don't know how to start this but you're me so :] How's your life going eh? I broke up with Alena a bit over a month ago (bye bye half a year of dedication!) because I realized I'm AroAce. Btw, how's that going huh? Still in line or did you realize that it was an internal misunderstanding? Anyways, she's still stalking me a bit but it's chilled out a lot! Mostly now it's like every couple days something annoying involving her happens and it ruins my mood. It's not too bad tho! It could be worse you know? What else :] Mostly right now it feels like I only have 2 friends, Percy and Jordan. I know there's other people who I could talk too, but not like, anything serious you know? And I feel bad bothering perc or jordan either way so,,,,, It's kinda lonely! But again, could be worse. I'm reading homestuck right now! Do I finish it or give up? I'm about half way through it right now and reading it makes me really ******* happy! So hopefully I finish it :]. When ever I read it I smile like a goof. I know the fandom is kinda not the coolest place but the comic itself is really good! Speaking of comics, how's ours going? You start AcTuAlLy drawing out the comic or is it still ideas? How has it changed since late 2020? I can't wait to see man :] honestly it makes me really happy to think about it being a real thing that we make. How are your various art projects going? I have 7 or so unfinished pieces rn that I'm trying to do! One is the angel gates, another is the *** forest, 3 embroidery things, and that digital art comic throw away. I'm trying to finish them but it's hard honestly. I don't really have any motivation. But I'm trying and that's all that matters. I usually find it really hard to gather motivation right now if I'm being honest. Most days it's hard to get out of bed even if I'm awake. I kinda just. Lay there. Until I feel too guilty to stay in bed. It's 50/50 whether or not I make my bed. It's more 40/60 if I do dishes. I usually can do my homework! Right now I'm a senior of highschool, on my second month of online learning :]. It's going okay and I have maintained all As the whole time too! Government is ******* *** tho and I ******* hate it lol. It takes forever to do! And I got a bunch of essays to do too. It's annoying. And speaking of essays! Smooth transition haha. I gotta worry about college essays! Uncle A*** says not to worry too much yet. But I do you know. It's us so you get it of course. I don't want to miss anything or **** up. So I worry about scholarships, and applying, and my FAFSA, and my SATs and ACTs and all that stupid crap. Do I need to be? Did I do all of and get in somewhere okay? How's college! I can't wait honestly. Anyways, I'm stressed about it just a bit. A lot of stuff is stressing me out tbh. And it's like, I can't find the motivation to deal with any of it! Most days I'm just really ******* empty! And you know what I mean so I won't try to explain it haha. It sucks *** my man :]. Kinda feeling that way rn but not to bad. That's why I'm writing this! It's a no sleep kinda night, and I figured, why not! Ive been having a couple no sleep nights recently. It's,,,, not nice. There's peace in them but so much exhaustion too! I wish they would go away. Okok enough of that! You know I am depressed as **** at this point in time, you can remember all this. Uhhh let's see what else I want to remind myself **** man how's PTSD going? Cured yet? We still flinch like ******* HELL? Oh! Can you like, being around happy people yet or does it still go fuzzy? Can you smell cigarette smoke yet? Or stand yelling? Idk or any of that other ****! Have you gotten too surgery yet? I hope you have. I know the dysphoria ain't too bad for me, at least right now? but I still want these ******* GONE. Have you started T? If so, how did everyone react? I bet Jade and Micah were happy as **** for you! But what about Uncle A*** and grandma and Sammo and them? How'd they react? I bet it was something haha. Did you tell Mary and them? If so, how'd THAT go? How's it feel to be an adult? As great as we hoped? Or? Do we do all the things I always looked forward to? Or did it all fall apart? Do you still miss mom? How much? How's Micah and Chelsea? Can you talk to them yet? I hope they're okay! How's Matt's ***** ***? If you don't hate him anymore, think again okay? None of that growth **** here. I'm giving you a pass. It's a demand from me aight? Remember, bathroom. When Jade left. Hospitals. Smoking. Steak? Sami? Days and days of endless fear? Constant yelling and walking on egg shells? Ect? Yeah. No. Go back to hating him. Moving on? I should wrap this up, it's probably a lot to read! Some final questions :] Are you still friends with Sierra, Jake, Percy, and Jordan? Why/ why not? Do you have any pets? Tell me about them! Even tho I won't know haha. Still write it down or something for me! Do you have your own place? What's it like where you live? Do you live with anyone? What are they like? What do you do for fun? Still art probably! Embroidery? Cooking??? Idk Where do you work? What's the world like! Are you happy yet? Cause we're usually a useless depressed **** and it's tiring! So you take meds still? How do you dress??? What's your hair like! What's your room like? How's shiney dog and richmond? Do you have any tattoos? Describe them! Is your hair died? Any piercings? How's debt treating you? What type of car do you have! Tell me about your friends! Are you still a monster ****** or did I *finally* get rid of that lol? Do you still have panic attacks when reading fluff? What regrets do you have? Are you still Buddhist? How good are you at art!? Is 17 year old me (current me) cringey? What don't you like about me lol? What are your hopes and dreams?? Go watch fried green tomatoes Go through all your old sketchbooks! Take a shower! Go do something that *I* would think is wild and free! I love you, who ever you turn out to be :]