A letter from September 4th, 2020

Peaceful right?

So, i hear a happy birthday is in order, huh?! Hey old lady, you're now well stablished in your 20s, huh. two years being 20, how does it feel? i'll tell you how i feel now, at the bright age of 21... it doesnt feel real. how did we get here in the first place? who let us be adults? other than the sheer disbelief in me becoming a grown ass person, i also feel underprepared. like i missed a class on it, or a meeting?!?! how does anyone seem to have their shit together but i -we- dont? I guess everybody feels the same, but... somehow i still feel like im being cheated... Well, happy birthday, gorgeous! I know 21 wasnt an easy age. by far the hardest and most challenging time in your life, but all of that happened -the bad and the good, so you could get where you are and be more prepared. I hope life has been kind to you. Right now you feel like it's you against the world, and i hope it got better. I hope you can proudly say you feel like yourself again. I hope you can look at problems and face them with the insane amount of courage you have (and its just been a little hidden away). You are capable of so much, and you will accomplish everything you put your mind to. But one thing you don't do very well is live in the present. enjoy the little things, day to day. And take chances. Do random, spontaneous things on a tuesday, why not? Go explore the city by yourself. Cry on the subway to the sound of a tune that marked your exchange year. Allow yourself to be the main character of your movie. Dont stand by and wait for happiness. you can be happy now. dont wait until you're in med school, or in a good job, or with the right type of friends to do stuff. You have the gift of being you, of being alive for one more year. Dont waste it away, ok? I hope you're more than happy. And let's break the streak of crying and feeling miserable on your birthday, ok? Act like it's just another day, go on with your life and enjoy your company. Hell, go watch The Office bc we both know that thats what you want to do... I wish you all the happiness in the world. And remember: you are enough, you are capable, you are loved. sometimes things dont go the way we planned them. but thats just God's special way of showing whats truly ours. Be brave, young grasshoper. And have a happy year being 22. [also, please dance to 22 by taylor swift. your 13 y.o version would be very proud!]

Epilogue

7 months later

wow... so, hi?
thank you for writing that, it was such a nice surprise to wake up on my bday to a letter from the past. of course im only...

Elrazdie mi dan ot of ihts ryepl uyo so uyor btu ot !!!u!nf onyl i onw hmostn 7 waynya !s!eel!!trt vinahg dlouc mchu ihwt lpeyingr ,edlya pats.
Ylevlo i sdia uyo nighutr lla os woh hte it t,i omer eewr nhitsg amsne chmu ttha hwne eortw uyo uoy much onkw. Wto lefse og eirwd ,popele im os gcainll erndfitfe kid, ot it me ?yo'u' ti) eikl agonn ti be (is ihwt. .
Im 2,2 cb( 3r2d ldtepocem my ym d23r ngivli levia eayr own ive. . . Bene i tge cb i )lllllo i that pu lppoee aucally,t utjs isfonugcn ned ebcindreli into lwli ,od ton sah hveweern. Ady eurs, of meh ym tdarybhi teh lfte. Mnkgai lroajym heyt itltel who i ruth a rtyiabhd my wsa inopt ortogf rseu srue ti dan lsteunerf a dna nad iwhch- rfo ttpery vluead wadsrot ot nsrdefi htier ielf bauot my illcaeyes-p etmh riyna i iwth a udcske lltsi thsyardu bcteaeelr hdiraby,t lefe hatt eelf yrvee keam mi dna it icedhesrh. Nowud nto onep stle a,nyyaw this. .
Ubt hte nddit mhe, swa i ta rcy, ielk swa os 1h1t so, i sagyin, atlse. . . Hahhhaa bc on ti im eoslhtyn a as ?m!mitepv!re??no tha,t iatnkg niw. . . Bysrithda ehva aalwsy argeed whit ton me.
Utb ,ahtht flei's enbe inaazgm eohtr than. Own ot naitgwi eht yas scuk arycs veyr vsreeinu ekep flsei is 'choag,t asy it htta naogn no rmfo bc dna orf i to. Tdsael' it wlhei oyu agdl fun uryo had. Sjtu tshta tbu ablbpryo fsle nabri ym sbioagtagn.
Mgniov no. . . Dme a etg so'hw( teh fo ttha but ,uin mi deuelf rtkca good !u)eiemnnhaeeee tsi' ton ni rdgea pcaebal test a hreewvo me, ot and mi yhet eht i shatt no it eelvl gthri tcpexe nad of ystheol?n into uoehng rfo eitcpfonre teagr doprve ogt igtshn oclsho hgeviaicn ,riesprsdu htat. .
Thore wlel, news in. . . Dki ecin gnhu usegs t)ch,bi tgalikn yfnun tilsl (vsod'ic asy rnsepo uot yet nad to neigb uyo we tnaevh i'm es'h a ni i nooeesm n?ew!?!?! utb and uclod. . . Ckssu adn ryintg mi vaditaon eth oas,l wtih ldea ti to o,gd tatentcahm lrdoae. The wkon to atwh nda im ot dan i ti i utb aehv i do slneerabnauo ays asreei utjs linglpu t,mie fele aoabgets iekl tis i do nieu,ctqhe ebnig tahn yawa wnko layuctla lla sti. .
Ot enral ilnt,aia taesrdt oll i renacp!i!!!ipss o!h!!!. Fo a hte bti assb dna soal. Of dan shatt mina own the of no giecmbon life eth crtchraae ojtrpec itngka ym eharcg. .
Htwa eeeesele?.
Oodg si maf eth i'efsl ,doogo. Im aphpy dan. Lutyr ppyah. Hatkn trhhoug geno ouy fro so o'uevy all. A it so it tis tub etg esgt ltltei a,beb beerof ist ret,etb onang adehrr rtwoh. Rof dan u'ovye atth ewlload ot iths ferutagl haerc itp,on mi em.
Lla eaoln konw rufiela, eth tsuj tsol htat og of earf nda eesmni shrciugn fo yuo and eleigfn t,hrgouh gineb taht the. . . . Le,lw is enmrnptea onen that of. Slerouyf dan( o)mm! evah uyo. .
Orf nhtak oyu <3 w!no bey dan.

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