A letter from August 31st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Dear 22 Year Old Gabby, Hey first let me start by saying how much weight is on my shoulders right now. Terry expects me to be one hundred percent perfect even though I am not. I want to be a pediatrician but due to all of this Coronavirus stuff I’m not enjoying school as much as I used to. I really just want to pass, and I don’t mean above and beyond pass but just get good enough grades to finish. I hate where life has brought me. Honestly I do and here’s why, everyone i have been with has made me feel as if I as a person am not enough. Terry makes me feel like i suck at being a daughter, ex’s make me feel like i suck at being a girlfriend, and Buddy makes me feel as if he never wanted me which brings back the bad daughter thing. Whenever I do a billion good things it’s always the two bad things that shine the most. I pray all the time I try to get my relationship with God on track so that way life goes just the way that Terry wants it too but sometimes I want to live life the way I see fit. I want to be able to make mistakes and learn from them but when I'm being kept in the house all day unless I’m at work or running around for her it's like I don't have room for mistakes. Then when I make room for mistakes it bites me in the butt. I hope and pray that five years from now I finally find who I feel I am meant to be, not who Terry or any other adults want me to be. I feel like my “home” is in the car by myself listening to music. This is where I feel since nobody is watching I can laugh and cry and scream and get things off my chest. I feel as if that ugly 2004 Chevy Malibu is my safe place. Then it's the music I play, some Trippie Redd songs makes me feel like it’s ok not to be ok you know? Do you feel that way if so go listen to Trippie Redd’s A Love Letter To You Four. Then I got the music that makes me feel like I could be the most confident girl in the world like Saweetie’s Icy Girl or Jhene Aiko’s P Fairy. Then I got my throwbacks like My boo by Usher, any New Edition song, or Mary J Blidge, Whitney Houston, and last but not least Fantasia. I could literally sing any New Edition song you throw at me. I always say I should have been born in the 1960's cause that's where my heart is at. Anyways, I think that a lot of the artists that I listen to went through dramatic life changes where they had to figure out who they were after failing so many times in so many different ways. This is what draws me to music and not just the music that people feel my race only listen to. If I think the song is good i’ll listen to it. I don’t have outside of the house hobbies I have inside of the house hobbies. Really all I do is listen to music and watch Netflix. Sometimes I paint to ease my mind. I paint things like sky views and small animals and what not. If you looked in my closet you’d see so many sunsets with trees or you’d see night time sky views with clouds. I paint the same thing over and over because I feel like if I do it so many times I could get better. My favorite Netflix shows are Lucifer, How to get away with ******, and Greys Anatomy. Grey's Anatomy is by far the best show to ever be created. That show literally explains how I feel some days. I have seen Greys Anatomy six times all seventeen seasons. When I watch it I feel comfortable and happy alive even. It’s never a dull moment in that show. I literally watch TikTok 24/7. It basically is a part of me now. The only people in my life that have influenced me are my family. When I say family I mean immediate family (aunts,uncles,cousins,grandparents,etc) My mother has played both parenting roles in my life. (Terry) I call her by her first name because she allows it. She has always taught me that there is more to me than just my body. That I can become the best pediatrician in the country and also be a mother when I feel I am ready to. She has always kept me in church, she’s the reason I believe I trust God so much and I believe in him. So I have six aunts and they have always been there for me, but one aunt in particular has been my second mother always. My Aunt Jackie has had my back since I came out the womb, she’s my number one supporter. Everyone says that my cousin and I were born to the wrong mothers because she acts like my mom and I act more like my aunt. I have lots of siblings yet I’m only close to two of them, my sister Jordache and my brother Joseph. My brother is older than me yet he keeps me on my toes. Everybody calls him myson because I micromanage him and he does me the same way. My sister is my other mom as well when our mom gets on my nerves she’s the one i call on. She has always been my rock. Other than career wise I want to be like my aunt is towards me. I want to be like that with my nieces and nephews. I want to continue to be friends with Lessa and Hailey forever. Lessa and I are the same person. We think alike and act the same. If I ever question myself even though I know exactly what needs to be done I can call on Lessa and she’ll confirm what I feel. Hailey is my soulmate. She completes me. She knows how I feel before I feel it. She can explain little things about me I didn’t even know. I want to travel around the whole entire world. Not just America but everywhere. I want to experience the feeling of being free. I have never felt that (i think) and chile you know we have to travel to try different food. On a serious note I hope that however or whoever I become in these next five years is someone that is confident and still does not care what anyone thinks about her and still stands her ground against the world. I honestly hope you do everything you want to despite what Terry thinks is a wrong idea. I hope you realize and believe that it is ok for her to not accept your choices. Love, JailBait xoxo